My random (non)sense of humor

I want to clear something up about my sense of humor. When people talk to me normally, I don’t seem like a very funny or interesting type of guy, and I don’t really display much emotion, but actually I have a pretty nonsensical and random sense of humor.

This manifests itself when I deal with my close friends. My sense of humor is in fact the most American thing about me. If you want to get a sense of exactly how my sense of humor works, here are some of the messages I sent to my friends (that I can show publicly), and yes they are completely random and insane (I’ve updated the not-so-random ones with references), and many are engineer related and contain references to such obscure things as Magic cards, DOS games and Canadian TV Shows:

(on second thought, most of these would probably make awesome voicemail/answering machine messages). On another note, Seth McFarlane please hire me as a gag writer!

You switched off your targeting computer. Is something wrong? (Star Wars reference)

Return me to your hand at once! (Magic the Gathering reference)

Feel my cat!!!! nowww!! If you don’t feel my cat in the next 5 seconds, someone will be dispatched to your home to cut you!!!

Why can’t u make love potions?

I long for combat! (Starcraft reference)

You’ve been maintaining ur beard!

Stop clicking me!

Can I debug u?

How do I fight a plane inside a plane! (Inception reference)

If you defeat me now I will become more powerful than u can ever imagine! (but if you defeat me later, that’s fine) (Star Wars reference)

Maximize! (Beast Wars reference)

Defeat my evil spawn!

Why didn’t you plant my flowers the right way??? No massaging me tonight!

If u do back breaking labor and don’t break ur back, I’ll break your back for you free of charge!

Can u give birth to yourself?

Box me up! I’m portable! (John Mayer song reference)

Your headers are missing..

If u kill me now I will rise back with a vengeance… and a heart of gold!!

I tracked your down… I killed you… (Max Payne reference)

Remember when there was a room just to kill copies of you with a rocket launcher? and plasma whips? (Hunter Hunted reference)

Can elephants be encoded in UTF-8?

You have to compile me before u run me

Did u know? Digimon are the champions! (Digimon reference)

You’re not infallible anymore are u…

Have u ever been in a situation where u had to crap out a white tiger?

Will u kill me for money?

Do your feet get cold in the wintertime? (The Eagles song reference)

I want to eat your cancer!! (Nirvana song reference)

Ricky Tan killed my father again! (Rush Hour 2 reference)

Those robbers stole my black pepper! I’ll never be able to compete with those Venetian merchants again!

Buy my periods!!

Aren’t you a little short to be a stormtrooper? (Star Wars reference)

If you lived in the 16 bit era DOS game, you would be killed for meat, pixellated meat actually!

I didn’t get that last sentence, you were speaking in Perl!

Who’s a better vampire hunter? Abraham Lincoln or Jesus Christ? (movie reference)

When someone says “I’m gonna clean your clock!!” – are they actually gonna go to your house and wipe it clean? cause mine’s pretty dirty!

How can a house be injured anyways??

I could have met you in the sidewalk. Yes, INSIDE the sidewalk.

When the platypus was first discovered by Europeans in 1798, and a pelt and sketch were sent to the United Kingdom, some thought the animal to be a hoax. It was thought that a taxidermist had sewn a duck’s beak onto the body of a beaver-like animal.

Did u know? I’m organically grown!

The most popular giant robot dance is Oppan Gundam Style! (PSY + Gundam reference)

My favorite scent? The sweet smell of success!

Do u know when u bite off more than u can chew?! You choke and die.

I’m gonna defend my home with a BFG 9000 and a Blake Stone pulse cannon! (Doom + Blake Stone reference)

Eat my shorts! and then Cowabunga (Simpsons reference)

Is your CD/DVD-ROM 50x or 100x reads?!

Beautiful cats… all over my back… I could be chasing but my time would be wasted they got nothing on youuu baby (Bruno Mars song reference)

Do u have moves like Jagger? (Maroon5 song reference)

Did I dissapoint u? or leave a bad taste in your mouth? (U2 song reference)

I wish you were a lock so I could monitor you all day long!

You turned off your targeting elephants! What’s wrong? (Star Wars reference)

Why don’t u like chunky Campbell stew? what did it ever do to you?

I just moved my glasses 2 inches higher. 2 damage to you

Only 99 … 99… $99! ninetyyyy-nineee dollarrsss (Reboot reference)

Did you know? If u laid all the elephants in the world end to end and stretch out into space they would all die at the same time? That is, all the elephants are synchronized to call die(), and a separate thread executes all of them at the same time. Because all the elephants all die at the same time, the weight of their bodies falling to earth causes the equivalent of a meteor hitting the earth, destroying all life as we know it.

Do all dogs go to heaven?! Do they meet Dog Jesus if they do? (movie reference)

Guess what? Its good to own your own hand! (and your own land)

Remember the time u stood horizontally?!

If you had crab legs, could you walk sideways better?

What’s better? A Cathedral or a Basilica?

What does an alligator and a shower have in common? nothing. (Where’s my water? app reference)

The only thing more nutritious than a Java applet is a Java apple

This giant chicken will be fully operational in 10…9… 8… (Star Wars reference)

Did u know a person died from Gangnam Style? Cause of death: Gangnam style (PSY reference)

Do you think Electabuzz would make a good politician? he can just electrocute all his opponents. (Pokemon reference)

Did you know ? Chinese alligators are armor plated…

Unlike other reptiles, a crocodile is powered by an A9 four-core processor, increasing performance by up to 200% over other reptilian models

Respect my authoritah! (South Park reference)

Did you know? (NOS) Tube Chickens are warmer than Solid state chickens (possibly because of the ‘cold’ sounding transistors). Our robotic giant chickens are all tech-organic, free-range, and made with the highest quality NOS tubes and Class A circuitry.!

What’s your favorite feature of Internet Explorer? the 25 JS file limit or the 32 css file limit?

I’ll be out there with my friend Jon Foote, showing our bot Schr├╢dinger’s Martini for the first time. It’s a getraenkenexperiment, with the same apparatus as Schr├╢dinger’s Cat, but instead of poison gas, it’s releasing vermouth. A glass of gin goes into the box, and a superposition of a wet and dry martini comes out. Since you can’t tell the difference between the two until you taste it, “the wavefunction collapses in your mouth, not in your eyes.”

guess what? this ascii cat is a essential source of your required daily bits and bytes, its made out of scrumptious ‘HMM’s

I have a short

I’m a goofy goober!! (Spongebob Squarepants reference)

Why aren’t u a super saiyan? don’t u have blonde hair and green eyes and lots of muscles!! all you care about is ur stupid muscles!!!! (Dragonball Z reference)

Am I NP-complete?

did u eat the ascii cat on ur wall? its very high in vitamin 0xAE052

what do you think of Pay to Pray service, PraysForSure, and drive through church – fast blessings! u know, for today’s busier Christians!

I’ll show you my JavaScript if you show me yours!

What’s better? Client side dogs or server side dogs?

The Intel Core Duo processor powers most handheld dogs while the larger ones clearly require Xeon processors

D*mn. Those north korean dogs blew up my ride!! (Duke Nukem reference)

If I was an enemy in a game with rag doll physics (or the Havok game engine), when you blow me up my carcass will go flying a few feet, hit some buildings, and slightly limp around glitching for a bit before my corpse settles down.

Did you know? The average kid has about 0.14g of poo stuck on their ass when they swim in a public pool. Just saying.

On March 14, 2010, Ontario Blizzard Weather was arrested for causing the deaths of thousands in the icy conditions. – Yup lock that guy up and throw away the key! Those Blizzards are mass murderers!

The smell got trapped in the ground

I have to get back the lunch money he stole from me in the third grade! (Rush Hour 2 reference)

Do u know how to play rope a dope ? Well of course u do its when u rope someone in … and kill them!

This is definitely attention-grabbing, You are a very qualified doodlekit. I have became a member of your own feast and grow right up with regard to inside try to find the rest of the fantastic publish. As well, We’ve discussed your web site around my web sites!

I just want to wish you luck – we’re all counting on you (Airplane! reference)

I’m not even going to pretend that Luvdisc isn’t the worst Pokemon ever. .. nope not gonna do it! (Pokemon reference)

Does a rock lobster even croak under hydrochloric acid?

40$ off Blake Stone sound effect generator… now u can make ur own blake stone sound effects! comes with dying sounds built in!! (Blake Stone reference)

I walk around one area of the screen. I blink rapidly when hit. Lifespan of a few hits. I drop stuff when I die. I am a platformer enemy!!!

Do u like John Cage fried or grilled?

Why does puke give you Vitamin C? Can I mail some to you?

Remember when you played James Pond and threw up all over the keyboard?? (DOS game reference)

I remember when I was your age… oh wait, no I don’t, I’m younger than you! heh! My bad!

Where can I find some pre-cambrian era DVDs?

Did you ever find bugs bunny attractive when he wore a girl dress? (Waynes World reference)

Have u ever made an Elmer Fudd tank with an Elmer Fudd head and instead of tank treads u get Elmer Fudd’s badly drawn rotating legs as a tread? (Looney Tunes reference)

Dooo dooo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo DOOOO doo doo – recognize that song? It’s Mr.Bean’s driving theme in the first episode! (Mr Bean reference)

svchost.exe wants to be able to adjust or apply impersonation tokens! is that ok? whatever it was your were doing will hang until you just say yes anyway and you probably won’t even be able to kill it cleanly!!

Well, if I cryogenically freeze you now, your molecular structure changes and your crystal lattice will permanently align according to marketing jargon.

Would u rather be a nobleman or an aristocrat or a Lord, pro quid quo?!

How about being a railroad baron in the 1880s? I think that would be nice.

And guess what? ASCII art is a essential source of your required daily bits and bytes…scrumptious….its made out of MM & MM’HMM’s!

When ur looking for a girl make sure theres no asterisk besides her name cause it might mean she’s insane!

I want the best sunset scientifically possible!

Can u make some time for me? no I mean bend the space time continuum for me!

Have you ever heard of the character CatBus? It’s half cat, half bus!

I’m not dead… (5 secs later) yeah I’m dead. (Family guy reference)

Hey you wanna cyber with me big boy?

This is what you would say if u fell down the hole as Mario: WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH… Here we go!! (Super Mario 64 reference)

I’ll defeat Megatron for you… for a price! (Freelancer + Transformers reference)

I heard you got arrested for stealing some molecules from someone?

If Jesus came back from the dead, then so can you! Ever thought about being a zombie? Coming back from the dead in the future… today (Zombie recruiting sign)!

Why don’t u bite the bullet and grow a mullet!

Would u breast feed in public?

Have u improved ur wardrobe? do u have a passion for fashion now? no more communist uniform?

If people like dogs so much why dont they watch dog porn?

Do u have ur unit tests in a jar? well better let them out!!

Do you remember the time you had to take laxatives and wear an adult diaper so you don’t get diarrhea while fighting this girl’s mother’s husband IN her home? (Stephen King novel reference)

Are u soluable in warm water?

Don’t you just love those fast food advertisements showing those cartoon chickens grinning? It’s like yeah! I love to be dead and deep fried like my fellow animals so come here to eat me! I also love to be mechanically separated and processed in a machine somewhere!

Squirrels shoot every miss you don’t take.

What’s the difference between html and shtml?? WRONG. SHTML is sexier HTML!

What do you think of me getting metal legs? Been thinking about that procedure… (Grandma’s Boy reference)

Would u be willing to part with your LG optimus for the princely sum of 233 gold? (RPG games reference)

Whenever you eat bacon/ham/pork, you are eating the meat of an animal that consumes poo. See pig toilets.

Does your company use an all-elephant stack? PHP for rendering, Hadoop for load balancing, Postgres for storage… 100% elephants!

I heard u dropped ur SQL table.. need someone to help pick it up?!

Clothes make the man. Naked men have little to no influence on society. (Mark Twain quote)

Why did Nikola Tesla NOT backup his work when a fire destroyed his lab in 1895?? He should’ve sharded his homes or stored it in the clouds..!

When a cow is blessed, does it become a holy cow?!

Church of Jesus Christ, Scientist = Church of Jesus Christ (who is the one and only) Scientist.

Why do people say drop of a hat to mean soon??? did people’s heavy 1800s top hats drop really fast or something?? back in the day…!

If something is 70% real fruit juice – is the other 30% fake fruit juice?

Is your Apache tomcat running? Well better go catch it!

A SQL query walks into a bar, walks to two tables and asks can I join you?

When a new Pope is installed, how many firmware updates does he need?

Ever wonder how people made that footage of the atomic bombs and WWII and stuff? How did cameramen record that stuff without dying?? crazy!

Remember when dinosaurs used to be cool? Now they’re just shitty feathery birds. Thanks scientists, you ruined my childhood!

[hedgehog looks into mirror]: I’m looking pretty sharp today!!

Eat my tildes!! $1 a piece…!

Is it possible to build a jetpack using downward firing machine guns? (xkcd reference)

These modals about pretzels are making me thirsty… (Seinfeld reference)

Cough up a MongoDB document from ur throat right now!! I know u have those key value pairs in your stomach!!!

Make me a mosquito that fires machine guns from its sucker tip right now!! (xkcd reference)

So is Bach’s Clavier always well-tempered? Can it be not well tempered? Bad tempered?

Did you know? Regular Builders are unable to normally construct objects out of piles of Lego pieces and instead require instruction pages that are found throughout each level. Using these, players follow the instructions to build objects with specific pieces. Master Builders, on the other hand, have the ability to grab Lego pieces from the environment and use them to create something new. (Lego Movie reference)

Where are the songs of Spring? Ay, where are they? ..

But not all Asian parents are ‘cold’ sounding transistors

I’ll be in my suit and tie when u come kill me (Justin Timberlake song reference)

Do you think I’m pretty without any plastic surgery apps?

You should probably eat your son before he expires. Yeeahhhh.

Welcome to Ken’s Labryinth! *cheerful music plays while you are attacked by spiders and robots (Ken’s Labryinth reference)

You killed him before he could clear his throat! wow!

Traditional watches run apps in an unrestricted environment. This can lead to memory leaks, lockups, and permanently disabled watches. Without access controls, apps can even steal private data from other apps.

How come people judge you on what you eat?

What do you think of making my dog plastic?

Can u unsolder a piece of rubble for me? I need it as part of a balanced diet. Can you have rubble that doesn’t smolder?

Would u fight a castle inside a castle? castleception! (Inception reference)

Remember that grasshopper you killed when you were young ? Well now it came back as a zombie grasshopper

If you get shot while dying of childbirth, which death takes precedence?

When a mom tank and papa tank produces a baby tank can that tank have Down syndrome or ADHD?

If dogs have ghosts and Zombies what would it look like ? Dog ghosts and dog zombies?

Your pet train starved to death because u didn’t feed it enough tracks. How could you neglect ur train like that??

I’m new but not improved. Improved costs an extra 30 pesos

Remember when u were young and ur heart was an open book ? Well I think you would die if ur heart was an open book. (Wings song reference)

You wanna piece of me boy? (Starcraft reference)

Who would win in a battle? You or 700 cattle?

When u stroke a cat how many times does it purr? Once or twice ? WRONG. Twice!

Did u remember to bring ur Duke3D shrink ray to the company party? (Duke Nukem reference)

Which monster is best? Bigfoot, Yeti or Lochness Monster?

Do u let out a grunt or moan to make people notice you like Duke Nukem bad guys? (Duke Nukem reference)

When you die, what items do you drop? (RPG games reference)

Hey open your inventory! I’m trying to trade with you! else I’ll take out my sword… (RPG games reference)

But I want to cast Magic Missile! (Final Fantasy reference)

You cannot defeat my henchmen because they are made from butter… BUTTER

Whats ur favorite MIMEType?

What will the fox say? (song reference)

Cut my bathing suit into pieces! this is my last resort! (song reference)

Call my mobile phone NOT MY LANDLINE when u grow up to be a healthy and wise Triceratops ok?

Have u ever suffered from mange?

Where can I rent a tank to drive?

Can you jump backward while punching the ground? (DOS game reference)

I’m taking my talents to South Beach next summer! (NBA reference)

There’s a leek in the bathroom! get it?

I’ve lost my mojo, have u seen it anywhere?

Do u toot ur own horn?

Can u build me a perpetual motion machine? Then a universal turing machine after that.

Didn’t u see me on the cover of the wall street journal? (Disney movie reference)

Do u want to fight dubbed? (Wayne’s World reference)

Have u ever stole your own clothes out of frustration?

Why can’t I shoot wolves from my _ like Sega Beastmaster? (Sega game reference)

Why is the devil always in the details? never the overview??

I think your style needs to change. Can I style you using SASS?

Do you let out a beautiful moan when you die?

Whats the difference between X lion and Z lion? Z lion has no bones! Can’t believe you didn’t know that…

Can cats moonwalk??

Why have u forsaken me?? Then take me to Draj! (Dark Sun reference)

You need to use WinZip to zip up your dinosaurs so they can be archived and uncompressed at a later epoch

You have to start your day with God, and it says in the bible that the morning is the most open time!

President Roosevelt: Now round up those evil Japanese Americans!!! *points to a cute japanese girl cowering in fright

Why are some animals unclean (like Pigs, Eels, Ducks, etc) if God created all the animals? Why make unclean animals at all??

Edison started GE as a way to gain fame from other people’s inventions. Edison: yeahhh, come in on Saturday to work on those phonographs, mmkay? And finish those TPS Reports… (Office Space reference)

Ever tried to sing the Song of Songs to someone? (Bible reference)

I found the Amulet of Vigor! (Nethack reference)

I just want to wish you good luck. We’re all counting on you. (Airplane! reference)

Random guy on street: JFK was the first senator elected president! Me: But that’s false! Warren Harding was! see you can’t fool me!

Insanity is fixing the same css bugs in IE over and over again – and seeing them occur again – Albert Einstein

If you ever die, we can just wish you back with the dragon balls! (Dragonball Z reference)

I’m a Pan AM flight! I’m super sonic oh now I’m taking off oh I’m moving I’m moving OH SAY there’s a jolly good – Roman fly and Spanish cows! (What’s up Tiger Lily reference)

You’ve stumbled onto my bumblebee!!!

I designed a plant in just 5 days…!

I put a 3/3 beast token into play! It’s gonna eat u for supper! (Magic the Gathering reference)

I noticed that u have a wide turning radius. You know I’m gonna be blocking that right?

How come every time I look for u the sun goes down? (Blink182 song reference)

Here’s how to bake a triceratops in 4 easy steps at home

How can a face jump?

Why do planes jump when they are frightened? (DOS game reference)

You’re benched in the 4th quarter!! Think about that ill advised 3 pointer!! (NBA reference)

You’re under arrest! For the heinous crime of saying ‘Noooooooooo’ in only 0.4 seconds! How could you?? You know what they will do to you if they found out??

You pinch softly – but sure! (Faye Wong reference)

Access denied. You need more valence electrons to do that!

You have to make sure your dog is biodegradable before you recycle him

Is MongoDB unclean? Do we need to sanitize it so that it can be saved when Jesus comes back?!

Put me in attack mode!! (Yugioh reference)

Your defense went up. your stamina increased by 30%, and your constitution and dexterity have also went up.. what do you have to say about yourself?! (RPG games reference)

I coulda been something… I coulda been a contender… instead of a lousy programmer, which is who I am (On the Waterfront reference)

I could only handle the extreme gameplay in my teen wolf form, which makes me stronger? faster, and more popular among my high school peers

Shard your LOLcats now!

Did you know?? Tanks have no bones!!!

Did medieval warriors ever unit test their armor?

Ever thought about getting beard armor?

How much do baby tanks cost?

Sexiest asteroids calendar.. thats what astronomers use

I can ride a bike with no Handlebars.js

You can’t defeat me!! Just look at that health bar!! (Saints Row 4 reference)

You’ve just downloaded illegal ROMS!! *thousands of cops come to your house

Are u a vinegar aficionado??!

Eat my Horcrux!! (Harry Potter reference)

Have you constructed a diamond made of pig ears before?!

This tablet costs 11 mana to use!! (Magic the Gathering reference)

If I help you right now, it would SEVERELY drain my power crystals (Simpsons reference)

You have such beautiful sneezes! can I make music from it?!

Why do you dance around like a little ballerina when you die?? (Ikari Warriors reference)

We’ve lost communication with Pioneer 10!

Why do mirrors reverse left to right but not top to bottom?

Do whales walk horizontally or vertically?!

Construct a Mechanical Turk for me!!!

Did u see pics of me flying a planet?!

I don’t have enough move slots left!! I need to learn water gun!! (Pokemon reference)

Carrier has arrived!! (for AT&T)! (Starcraft reference)

Why do tornadoes shoot water balloons??!

OMG! That earthquake looks soooo cute! when its killing thousands of people!

Your experience meter is almost full! (RPG games reference)

Remember when u perished in the great fire of london in 1666? Worst day of ur life!!

Do u believe in labeling babies?

It’s cool when you’re made of wood

Everyone knows that T-rex’s can never be jolly… so why do they wear santa hats at christmas time?? (Deer Hunter reference)

John Keats was a terrible singer!

But Hurricanes can be cute if they make a plushie out of it… though that would be a pretty big toy

You’re not a dog!! You fail!

When was the last time u carried a DVD into the sunset?

Are your high heels environmentally safe and biodegradable? that’s the most important question

Would u buy a Kraken when u have time? thanks!

That gangster can’t hurt me! I’ve already put my cards in defense mode! (Yugioh reference)

What if 2 animals were bundled together as one? (Spice Girls song reference)

Remember when u wore ur chest hair the wrong way and it burned u???

I just realized that I’ll never jump as high as Commander Keen! I need a pogo stick for that! (Commander Keen reference)

Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who? (Baha men song reference)

I want a version of you as a collectors edition complete with your 3D schematics so I can print a clone of you on my 3D printer

High capacity magazines are already denied to criminals. All Obama and the liberals laws are doing is denying them to law abiding citizens!

Ever wanted to have a music ‘Theme’ play while you are walking down the street? Also your own personal life narrator?

What’s better for my phone ringtone? PC Speaker noises, or a movie announcer voice that says ‘Select your weapon!’?

Meowth! That’s right! (Pokemon reference)

A cocker spaniel lives around 10 to 15 years.

They WILL bury you in a lunchbox! (Rise of the Triad reference)

When you kill someone in the dead of night, steam will rise from his wounds! (Wayne’s World reference)

I would put this chick in every green deck I have. SheÆs that good. Whenever she comes out, I get a card back, ANY card. So amazing, and hard to pick anyone over her. The only problem is the double green in her cost. (Magic the Gathering reference)

Does a dog-shaped chew toy encourage dog on dog violence??

How many dogs does a watch dog watch if a watch dog could watch dogs?

People wear a hair helmet because it has all the benefits of being a helmet without looking like you are wearing a helmet

You… compile… me… (Jerry Maguire reference)

Prepare for trouble! and that goes double! (Pokemon reference)

Ectomorph or Endomorph? Choosing the right body type is very important for the future

The future is what lies ahead of us. (1948 election reference)

Move aside, I can speak Jive… (Airplane! reference)

I like my coffee black – just like my men! (Airplane! reference)

D*MN, those hot chicks blew up my ride! (Duke Nukem reference)

I’m equipping my Darksteel plate!! now I’m indestructible! (Magic the Gathering reference)

Do a barrel roll! (Star Fox reference)

Congratulations! ur party gained 4000 exp! (RPG games reference)

Well, You could only move your beard a certain direction, in polynomial time, and ingest a certain alphabet..

Did you know that you could be wrong and still be right? (John Mayer song reference)

You missed your chance to attack me! (DOS game reference)

You know you are shooting from the hip right? You know I will be blocking that right?

Avenge my death, chosen one!

How much does the Pope get paid?

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals God allows to live. (Chuck Norris reference)

Why do companies advertise FSB speed and L2/L3 cache in computers?? Does the average person understand those things?

Can you distinguish Miles from Coltrane? (John Mayer song reference)

The heroine of Giacomo Meyerbeer’s 1865 opera L’Africaine commits suicide by lying under a manchineel tree and inhaling the plant’s vapors.

My dog ate my computer! I can’t turn in my work!!

Why did u break up with ur dog on Facebook?

Waiter, a fly is in my soup. Sir, the fly is on your bread. The cockroach is in your soup

Nikola Tesla’s chin, though not weak, is not strong enough

Hot dogs do look better with plastic surgery!

How long until I medically become a theropod???

Didn’t ur high school teacher teach u basic breadcrumbs?

I’m 20% dog and 40% cat and 40% Siberian Wolf.

I was poisoned by Ptolemy I!

In 1698, Zanzibar fell under the control of the Sultanate of Oman. Most horrible thing of my life.

If u had a choice would u choose to be a Sofware Engineer II or Software Engineer III?

Should I trade my Charizard for that guy’s Zapdos?? *looks at you with puppy eyes (Pokemon reference)

Ever wondered what life as a shrimp would be like?

Did you ever want your normal voice to be permanently auto tuned? (Saints Row III reference)

What does Auto-RIP mean? automatically rest in peace?

If I drop a steak from space, will it be medium rare when it hits the ground? or well done?

Does Jesus need oxygen to survive? What if he was in space?

Do u want tank treads for legs??? because I do… thats how I roll! heh! (Japanese RPG reference)

How much of a monster will I become if I eat stringed beans?

Did a ‘rumble pak’ come with your N64?

Did you know? The fastest object (with mass) in recorded history might be the Oh-My-God particle (no relation to the God particle), a proton from space that plowed into the atmosphere over Utah in 1991.

I’ll have one order of love… to go please!

Please call me when you can grow your own hormone-free, organic, free range sexy pizza without plastic surgery, thanks!

Which union is best? the Soviet Union or the The Western Union (Who will wire $10k to your account for helping out a prince)!

Wanna go on a date… at McDonalds??? BABY!! (Wong Fu reference)

What if u hit the ground but not running? Don’t you die?

Does it matter if bananas have any bones or not…?

I know you have a 800Mhz smart watch.. but the most important thing is: can you play Blake stone on it?? (DOS game reference)

Did you know?? Tanks have no bones!!!

Did u know? a T-Rex is really just a giant giant giant chicken!

Is ur refrigerator running? Well, don’t let the bedbugs bite! har har har

I have a robotic helicopter built into my eye! (Flash movie reference)

You’ll never defeat my aluminum chassis! (Flash movie reference)

My code has Pokemon exception handling – when you just gotta catch them all!

Butter me to the bone!

Can you turn subtitles on? I can’t understand you

That Zapdos is so handsome! (Pokemon reference)

Duke (Nukem) Wellington defeated Napoleon’s forces at Waterloo!! (B*TCHIN) (Duke Nukem reference)

Why are you wearing Han’s clothes??? seriously, in this scene, Lando wears Han’s clothes. It’s really weird. (Star wars reference)

Animals are immortal! You know that!

Don’t flash back Call of the Herd yet… I hate those elephants! (Magic the Gathering reference)

Their skin is so soft… just like a plush lion!!

I wanna fall in love with a missile too…. it was on my ‘missed’ connections list. (xkcd reference)

Why do spaceships scream when they die? (Action 52 reference)

Those rebel scum have invaded our code!! I think their using NodeJS voodoo!! (Star Wars reference)

You turned off your Apache Server – is something wrong?? (Star Wars reference)

I find your lack of faith in NoSQL data stores disturbing… (Star Wars reference)

You better dredge me up for 5 and put 5 +1/+1 counters on my body. That Spiritmonger looks pretty menacing. (Magic the Gathering reference)

Are all dogs catholic? What if they don’t believe in eating fish without scales?

You have about as much chance as me patenting Kareem Abdul Jabbar’s skyhook (NBA reference)

Ever wanted a double decker bulletproof couch?

I built my house with BitCoin!

Stop throwing those Crazy Bones against the wall! (Crazy Bones reference)

Did my train tracks beat u when you were young and drunk??

I can’t download you right now. You’ll have to eat my house later.

I walk this lonely road, the only one that I have ever known (Green Day song reference)

I should ask Ken Thompson! Where is he? I keep him in my purse somewhere…

You can’t read my cat! You just can’t!

Who killed Kennedy?? it was Colonel Mustard in the library with the candlestick!!!

HDMI is so much less expressive than analog. VGA has a warmer tone.

You should also disclose that when ur hit points are low enough, the next time someone touches u, you crumple up into the air (a la Xargon)(DOS games reference)

Can a rhino give birth to a USB cable ???

When do you estimate your power level will reach 9000? (Dragonball Z reference)

When did reality become TV?? and Ozzie’s an actor?? (Bowling for Soup song reference)

If I take away ur BFG9000 & Pulse cannon what do u have? Nothing!! Absolutely nothing!! (Doom reference)

Just stand there and watch me rawr, but that’s alright cause I’m a dinosaur!! (Rihanna reference)

Does this font weight make me look FAT32?? (Jazzpunk reference)

Can’t read my – Can’t read my – no you can’t read my Panda face! (Lady Gaga song reference)

You’re surprisingly spry for an old man!!

Why would u use a bee for a drill??

You fight like an old man. Admirable, but foolish. (Batman movie reference)

Can u walk the dog with your Yomega yoyo?!

What are 1950s narrators doing now??

Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort! (song reference)

Here’s how to eat a Triceratops in 4 easy steps!

That’s a battery staple! Correct! (xkcd reference)

Why are u so pixellated?? Why are you so lossy?? Didn’t you modify ur bitrate??

You gotta make your pencils a private variable. So that they won’t be shared across users.

Nothing beats the taste of honey and oats… except Wheatbix. [cutaway to a wheatbix beating up some honey and oats]

Does your dog beat your wife and kids when it gets drunk? Hide your wife hide your kids! (song reference)

I need another 3.6mb free on ur hard disk to exact my vengeance. Can u delete some stuff from your cache?!

Does sorrowful music get played by a Korean violinist when you die?

When you die, do you get a death mask?

That’s right, I hang out with all the cool DOM elements! We do drugs and stuff.

What happens when a baby is born in outer space?!

What would u do if a house ignores u for no reason?

If I hear a dog clapping in the background, your ass is mine !

I’m gonna fire my LIDARRR! (Doctor Who reference)

In order for me to talk to you, you’re gonna have to subscribe to my messages. I’m premium content.

Don’t we have to code review that ASCII Cat at noon?

Why did God create other planets if Earth is supposed to be his most perfect creation?

When you die as a disabled person, do you get a new fresh body when you go to heaven? What about dying as a baby? Do you get an adult body?

Do you own 101 Dalmations on your CD-ROM? (Will Smith song reference)

Remember when you used to be cool ? Yeah .. I can’t either!

Are you a seasoned developer? I mean, I am personally seasoned with oregano and basil (for the pungent flavor)

How come you’re the salt of the earth? I’d rather be the soy sauce of the earth, if you know what I mean.

When we think of God why is it an old white man in white robes? Why isn’t it like a young black guy with bling? Isn’t that racist?

A Florida man was shot and wounded over the weekend by his dog, who walked away without charges, police said. – Like a boss!

Whats ur favorite brand of beard? is it I can’t believe its not real beard beard?

Your talent specialist told me ur not “edgy” enough.. can u be more “edgy”?

Remember when we were always picked last for ‘King’s court’? I was so good at that game. I was always last!

No, the best pickup line is “I see you’re a woman…” (Flash game reference)

I think having a name like Miles Tales Prower is good, what do u think? (Sonic the Hedgehog reference)

I noticed u program from the hip.. u know I’m gonna block that pull request right?

Do you know what happens when you forget to salt your animals? You get various diseases from the bacteria… and then you die.

I got another gig coming up, it might be a terabyte, then im gonna grab a byte to eat!

Whats Java got to do with, got to do with it? (Tina Turner song reference)

Do u often find beauty in destruction? do u think life begins or ends with marriage? do u find stability in randomness? do u believe that change is the only constant? do you think justice is the only injustice? do you think atheism is the only religion that makes sense? Do you find order amidst chaos? Do you think rules are the only option?

I like your earrings… they’re very round (movie reference)

Why are they called Round Robins? Robins aren’t always round, are they?

What does a pulitzer smell like? Is there a cologne or?

Does your dog commit sins? if it does, then it may not be eligible for Heaven 2.0!

I’m gonna go ahead and stroke u for ur whole deck (I paid 100 mana) (Magic the Gathering reference)

I dunno is the proof always in the pudding??? what if it’s in the chocolate?

my brothers name is actually ~SoulHunter_88, but most people just call him Jason

Did you know? Noah can carry any number of animals Except the OX, the ox is too much! (Bible game reference)

I can send you a pic of me in addition to my bathroom, but it will cost you extra to frame and laminate it.

I love it when my fellow animals get raised and slaughtered, and i’m happy about it! thats why I’m on the packaging of [insert meal here]!

Whenever I see someone with position “headhunter” I also think of a certain type of spaceship from wayyyy back (a DOS game reference)

Why aren’t you responding? Looks like someone has a case of the moooondays! (Office Space reference)

Who was ur soviet hero? Van Cliburn? Do you like him? Because he doesn’t like you!

On your tombstone it will say cause of death: network issues

We also have ALNICO III rod magnets which are 5% brighter and have 5% more lower mids! and they’re also beveled! No rough edges!

Have u ever had the urge to eat those beef jerky treats that are for dogs? Now thats something you can chew on!

I like ur 19th century version a lot better than your 20th century incarnation

Which magnet alloy is the softest and smoothest for a single coil pickup? FALSE. Alnico III!! u fail!

If you had a dog who registered its pet as a person on facebook then had a status that says “in a relationship with ” would you take your dog to a dog-psychiatrist to seek help?

Oh it’s easy to stop you from dying, I’ll just Unsummon you! (Magic the Gathering reference)

How do u feel about panda bears with gatling guns for arms? (Digimon reference)

In the TCG Magic: The Gathering (and extending novels), on the plane of Mirrodin, there is a tower in the core of the world called Panopticon where the being Memnarch can observe almost any place on the plane at any given time through the eyes of roving machines called Myr! (Magic the Gathering reference)

Whats the best troll laugh?? WRONG AGAIN! trollololololol!

Remember when you got hammered? No not when you were drunk, when you were pounded into a pair of 2×4’s.

Can u give me some spam? Not not text, I mean the meat made out of pork shoulders

That’s right, I’m in the “computer business”

Did u know? Europeans were unable to make soy sauce because they did not understand the function of Aspergillus oryzae, the fungus used in its brewing!

While Ragna sacrificed his left arm to turn Mu-12 back into Noel in the end of Continuum Shift, Izanami damaged the Master Unit, Amaterasu, to disable the time loop while nobody’s looking, and took control of the Takamagahara System, thus granting herself the one wish she had always wanted: to prevent time from looping any longer and make the world the way she believes it should be: a “World of Death” where death is permanent, and when things end once, they shall end permanently. (Blazblue reference)

Which canon interpretation is better? a machine made to blow things up, a piece of musical form, or the central plot line of a story? FALSE. A machine made to blow things up.

You know u have to change ur passwords on all ur graveyards now right?

If you kept a Duke3D or blake stone monster as a pet it would say ‘ROOOOAN’ and groaning sounds would be heard around your house (DOS games reference)

I’m a midnight joker (I only joke at midnight) (Steve Miller song reference)

psssst hey, got any megafauna on u?

Would u like some tildes with that? a side of tildes alongside the main course of JS curly braces

yeeahhhh…if u could just roam around a bit that’ll be greatttt (Office Space reference)

You know the straps on your backpack? the ones that hang out in front? those shoot missiles! just like the strings on your hoodie!

Why are 5.25″ floppies better? Why, because they are the floppiest of course!

I guess u could say thats the ‘glue’ that holds the chicken together? heh!!

Whats the difference between ‘damn’ and ‘dayum’?? FALSE. the Announcer!

What would u do if a fully grown man came in turned off the lights and made u pregnant?

That’s like saying a triceratops lives longer than a t-rex because they have a vegetarian diet

What if I take a video of myself playing a dos game on the subway? And then watch that video of myself on another computer on another subway? Is it DOS-game-watching-ception? (Inception reference)

Where did u buy those outfits.?? the… communist… store? (Anchorman reference)

Can u build the tower of babel in n steps? or is it non-deterministic.. can u make a tower of babel turing machine? whats the FSA for this?

Since ur an ornithologist can u tell me what an ornithopter is?

If the earth rotates about 1000 mph and the speed of sound is 768 mph, then how come we don’t experience sonic booms everyday?

Did u know? you can ride certain animals and machines after u kill them! (Bomberman reference)

What’s your frame rate? What are you being rendered at? 60 FPS? Sometimes you’re laggy…

Ready up man! Rdy up! (Gunbound reference)

Some people say I’m a creeper… but I’m not the only one. Come and join us, then the world will be as one. (John Lennon lyrics reference)

What’s the derivative of (1/(lawn))? lawnmower

What kind of table should I buy for my house? a Student table t?

What’s your favorite car type? Mine is a convertible

Did u know? I’m organically grown!

If u are a user, are u also an abuser?

Allow me to liven up your conversations with obvious statements. The sky is blue. The grass is green. That’s it.

Did God invent colors?

Are you on PlentyOfFish? Because there’s plenty of fish out there. Especially online.

You’re such an exceptional programmer that it causes an exceptionalStudentException

How much would u pay me to construct a clone of yourself?

Why do previews of news anchors always cross their arms while the symbol of CBC / NBC / CBS / other news station logo is displaying? Are they insane?

In case you didn’t know, I’m kinda a big deal around here. I clean your bathrooms!

If Jesus wasn’t on Noah’s ark, how did he survive the flood?

Whats ur favorite time period of Earth? Telegram that to me ASAP.

What’s the sexiest cat alive?

Do u want Electroporation with Microdermabrasion? It might be necessary for your future gig as an actor

Can a hurricane ever be “cute”?

Can you leggo my eggo?

Do you do Aeygo?

Are you a plebiscite? I hate those critters!

Does the camera zoom out and pan after u die? I want that as part of my death sequence

Is it illegal to kill an ant?

In the movie Saving private ryan, did 206 people really die?

I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse… bath-ological weapons for only 50% off!! irresistible! (Godfather reference)

I didn’t set up my model-bear-alligator framework!

Do you know what happens when I focus my magnifying glass on an anthill? M-M-m-monster kill!! (Unreal Tournament reference)

Can they baptize u in sewage?

Did you know? most of the web is powered by 1995. (Java, JavaScript, Ruby, PHP)

Why do potato chips give u Vitamin C?!

I’ll trade you my Larvitar for your Metapod! (Pokemon reference)

You’re using inappropiate markup. Don’t make me report you to the principal else ur gonna get detention!!!

You need makeup on your stomach. You don’t want to have an ugly stomach do you??

If you see the stone scarecrow, don’t worry. He’s supposed to be there.

After u fight my clone can you make sure to shut off the microwave?

Is ur dog patented with the latest technologies?! NFC, Bluetooth 4.0 with Apt-X, A2DP, etc

You look weird when your beard disabled and greyed out. I need to re-style you.

The true test of friendship is bathing in the moonlight. It’s a ritual.

How often do u ride into the sunset?!