I’ll never find the perfect girl. *sigh*

Yes yes I know this is a pathetic rant but I’ve been wanting to let this out for a while. People keep asking me that I’ll find the perfect girl someday and I just don’t know If that ‘someday’ is sometime soon. The perfect girl could be at the subway station, or walking around the CNE, or even in my classes at school, but I’ll never know that. Not because I’m afraid to ask them or anything, but it seems I have low self esteem in front of women. There seems to be so many beautiful and smart women out there and I just feel like I’m not good enough for them. I am especially nervous in front of asian women. This is not only because I’ve never known an asian person (outside of my family) that well in my life before, but just that I have tremendous longing for them as well. I believe that I finally realized this during one of the various times that I have watched a movie alone, dined alone, or watched the fireworks alone amidst other guys who have their girlfriends care for them. There is this feeling I get when I see a couple hold hands together, or share a kiss, or play around with each other and I feel such pain because I wish I could do that with someone else. Now you must wonder, how is it that a 5’11, former-football playing, blues/rock musician has to talk about a subject like this on a facebook blog? How is it that I have never had a girlfriend despite being an average-looking, friendly and outgoing person? A witty and weird sense of humour? being on the honor roll for every year of high school, becoming an ontario scholar and earning 2 scholarships on the way? having a decent car and a decent job?
Yes, and I wonder too. I see apparently ‘nerdy’ looking guys hanging around with supermodel-looking girls all the time and wonder how this is so. I am consistently perplexed by this apparent paradox? I think it is because of this that I am perpetually alone. What few friends I have abandoned me. What’s the point of becoming famous if no one wants to hang out with you? If no one wants to go to the local concerts with you, if no one wants to watch a movie with you? This is the perpetual problem that arises with life. With no friends in life, with no one that cares for you, or loves you, you cease to exist. You exist in your memories, your thoughts, in the microcosm of your own realm. You need love to survive. You need love more than anything, because once you love someone, the necessities of other essentials like food, water, shelter, and money become less apparent. Love empowers people, causes the world to turn, people to live, and others to die. Love encompasses so many things and effects so many individuals, but the world has left no love for me.





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