Difficult to characterize myself

Well just woke up from a lovely dream today…it was again one of those James Cameron moments. Giant reactors shooting light beams into the sky, huge spaceships flying in the air and sleepy villas in the background. I often have these grand majestic dreams, flying around floating cities or mountains with waterfalls for example. Not quite sure what it means – but it’s lovely.

Anyways I have little to do today – no work or homework, but I do have to make another speech next week so working on preparing that. I guess after an unpleasant hangout with my friend yesterday got me thinking to how others perceive me. It may make a good topic for a speech.
It’s difficult to characterize myself and that’s probably a good reason why I have so few good friends. Few people (if any at all) really understand who I am. Am I an ambitious and confident person or am I a lazy and conceited individual? I’m both. I lack a passion in any one area – I like to be a master of every aspect, that’s a reason why I can’t keep my attention to one thing or one place at a time, I always have to travel to other places, expand my experiences, etc. I go on wikipedia daily for trivial information, anything that I don’t know in Chinese I look it up and store it in my Iphone for future reference, I can’t stand living in one place for too long, I don’t want to focus in one major too much (computer science), I want to be a musician, a speaker, a politician, a programmer, a video game designer, a philosopher, a scholar, a historian, a teacher, a web designer, a writer, an actor, a dancer, a composer, a diplomat, an ambassador, a statesman, an artist, a CEO, an entrepreneur, serve in the military, etc. So much to do, so little time. So I always rush myself (this in addition to my recklessness about dying young explained earlier).

I’m also insecure about myself. I always think others think I’m below them. It may or may not be true but I think it comes from the fact that people ignore me alot. Since I was young, people ignored me maybe cause my voice was too small, now these days people don’t pick up the phone when I call them, don’t message me back on msn/facebook or text me back. And I always think it’s because they think I’m not important enough for them so I have to keep trying to make myself better all the time.

So I don’t blame people for failing to understand me. Am I a Canadian, or an American or Fobby Chinese wannabe? All of them. I’m both serious at times and not serious at other times. I poke fun of myself a lot. I have a strange and weird sense of humor. People may think I’m desperate and creepy when it comes to some things like relationships, and in truth I like to flirt but I don’t like to commit. I can be impulsive with my spending and also meticulously frugal. I’m one of the most random people you may ever meet. I’m quiet and shy in real life, but more open and flirty online. I’m conservative in thought but liberal in execution. I can be selfish and rude and I can be nice and caring. I’m can be blunt, divisive and opinionated yet Honest. There’s many sides to me so it’s hard to explain all of them and even I fail to understand myself sometimes.

When I was a child, I was so lonely that I made up different characters and personalities for all my toys. My Lego characters would have personalities and I would do battle with them using Dragonball Z attacks. I would create games from index cards and 3x5s. I had a pile of them so I drew wild and imaginative (I wish I still had them) characters on those index cards and cut them out and do battle with them. There were guys with one eyeball, six arms, roller skates that had rockets on them, backpacks that shot missiles, shot spikes from their shoulders, etc. I had booklets from school that I would create mazes and trivia games on, and draw different characters. I even had a first person shooter game drawn on a sheet of paper with the different buttons to shoot and everything… I had a sonic maze game where you had to maneuver a guy with a top hat through the spikes and stuff, of course you had to think how he would do that because its not actually interactive obviously.
There were games based on computer games I played. I remember one game called Sir Bombalot where its like chess pieces but with different moves and attacks for each piece. I created a game out of cardboard with all of my own rules and pieces. I had an entire carton full of those cardboard guys. Me and my brother would act out certain ‘episodes’ with my Lego characters with a dialogue and everything. How fun my childhood was. That’s what happens when you grow up with no friends.

But I exaggerate sometimes. I do have friends now, some are more important to me than others, and some understand me more than others. But know that I am a pretty complicated individual to understand. But I’m sure most people are ;).


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