Blue is Me

Tag: regrets

  • The 7 year California journey comes to an end

    “Time is our most valuable commodity. We can always earn back money, but we can never earn back our time. Stop worrying about the future, and treasure the present. Cherish the people we have around us and the time we spend with them,we don’t know when they might be gone someday.”

    So finally my place did sell, (although the buyer came close to backing out for $1000 in repairs) but thankful to at least get 4% over asking for it.

    Aside from that, I’ve said all my goodbyes to the few friends I have left in SF, gave away most of my furniture, and gave my company notice. I’m actually a little bit bitter about my company, because I thought I would have been able to work part time remote for them, just like previous co-workers have, and my direct manager thinks I’m valuable enough to keep, but the upper management rejected the request. For whatever reason I don’t know. Half of our team is remote, a lot of them are full time remote, and other than the front end team, which is me and 2 other people, the rest of the engineering team come into the office only twice a week. Front end team comes in 4 days a week, and I haven’t missed any days. I’ve been pretty loyal to my company the past 1.5 years, and they are probably just going to replace me with someone from India who works full time remote anyways. It doesn’t make any sense.

    Plus, its not even about money. I’m asking for my salary to be cut in half here. So apparently they are willing to pay me full time salary just to be able to come into the office (where I don’t really talk to anyone anyways), rather than pay me part time and have me be remote. It’s unfair and it doesn’t make any sense to me.

    In other news, crypto is still having the blues, and I’m still 90% down so its highly unlikely I’ll get anything more than 50% of my money back even if it recovers. ICOs have lost me at least $25k and Masternode scam coins have lost me another $25k. So that’s $50k (a years worth of savings) lost in scammy coins right there, neither of which will ever recover. At this point, I’m not sure what I will do. I will probably take most of the proceeds from my apartment sale as a downpayment for a future Canadian home (most likely in Vancouver), and invest the rest in Wealthfront. No more crypto currency / gambling for me. It’s way too risky. Can’t believe I lost 90% of my savings ($150k turned into $15k). Lesson learned, I guess.

    I’ll definitely miss California/San Francisco, and I’ll definitely miss my apartment as I had many good memories there with my friends. I think more than just missing the scenery though, is missing the moments I shared with my friends and other people. That’s what I kind of regret. I regret not taking more pictures / videos with my friends, I regret not saving any of my Kakao chats from 2012/2013 (they were erased when I switched from my iPhone 4S to 5S in late 2013), because 2012-2014 were probably the best times of my life. 7 years of California memories, 2011-2018. I had so much fun meeting people (especially from San Francisco ESL group meetup), and traveling to places, just wish I had some way of remembering it better. I rarely took pictures/video back then compared to now. I never even took a selfie until I first went to Korea in Sept 2013. That was the first time I took selfies with anyone. As I grow older, I realize more and more that time really is the most valuable resource, and it’s not the scenery or the environment or the atmosphere I should cherish, but the people I shared it with.

    As for where I’ll go next, I’ll probably head to Korea for a few months, meet all my Korean friends, and then go back to Canada. My grandpa is becoming senile, and my grandma has really bad dementia now, so this might be my last time seeing them, unfortunately. Of course, I also want to see my parents + my brother who I only see once a year. Sometimes I wish time would pass by slower, or even stop. I don’t really want to get older, I’m 30 already and felt like I wasted all of my 29 year old life and half of my 30 year old life due to my savings being annihilated and I haven’t really got anything from this year at all. I originally planned to take a trip to Singapore/Bangkok/HK/Shanghai/Osaka and go to Seoul/Busan early but that all changed because of crypto.
    I’m glad I could hang out with Tony, my best friend here more, but everything has to come to an end. Since my work doesn’t want me remote, I’ll probably have to find a job in either Vancouver or Seattle but most likely I’ll try for Seattle first since the pay is much higher for engineers there, but its not guaranteed because this would be my 6th TN Visa, and knowing Trump and my horrible experiences applying for a TN last year, it’s probably not going to be easy to get another Visa again. If not, I’ll probably just have to settle working in Vancouver for roughly half the salary. Or maybe I’ll think about teaching programming in Korea, who knows… I need some time to think, and this would be the first time I’m unemployed since I graduated (I also haven’t taken any PTO this year since my company gives so little), so I need a well-deserved break from work for a while.

    As for a gf or wife, I don’t know. (this is at a time when most of my friends are in stable long term relationships and/or married now). At the beginning of the year, I had a gf who was beautiful and sweet to me, and I thought I was going to marry her. Later on in the year, I found out that she was kind of crazy, and definitely not the type of girl to marry. We’ve been broken up for over 4 months now. I don’t know if I can find another Korean girl, because I can’t think of any good way aside from remote work (which I don’t want to do unless its on my own hours this time) to live in Korea long term again. Will I find a Korean girl in Vancouver or Seattle who isn’t a student and who is interested in me and won’t leave in the long term? Who knows. It’s all uncertainty in my life at this point, but I hope I find some answers soon.

  • Preserving my memories

    Most people have regrets in their life about things they did. Me on the other hand, I have many regrets about the things I didn’t do rather than the things I did do. And most of these regrets is about preserving my memories. I cherish my memories a lot because someday when I’m older I want to remember the things that happened in my past. So a lot of my regrets revolve around not preserving my memories better.

    I have a handful of pictures of myself and my friends from high school. I have pretty much no pictures with my friends in university. This is mostly because I didn’t have a smartphone back then, , and I only carried my digital camera on special occasions like trips. But even then, I had a 3.2mp cameraphone at the time, and an iPhone3G which could have taken pictures back then, so its more that I didn’t have the habit of taking pics with friends. So from 2006-2011, pretty much I didn’t take any pictures with my phone or smartphone, which means I have very few pictures aside from trips or vacations, which I regret.

    From 2012, I got an iPhone 4S, so I started to take more pictures, but again I still didn’t have a habit of taking that many yet, so most of my pictures were from outdoor shots. I rarely ever took shots indoors with my friends, so I have no pics in 2012 or 2013 in clubs or parties or karaokes (even tho I went to those things alot). I have some pictures of food, but thats kind of useless for memories because I can’t remember who I was eating with when I can’t see people’s faces. And I rarely took video with my phone back then because I only had 16GB of storage which was filled with songs so it would run out of space if I took video. Also, unfortunately I have no video of myself either since I was always the one holding the camcorder on trips. So as a result, 2012-2013 I basically only have pics outdoors with my friends, which I regret.

    In 2014, I got an iPhone 5S, so the pictures took alot faster, and better low light indoor pictures, and I bought the 32GB model so I could take some videos as well. So these last 2 years double as my most well-preserved years, so I don’t regret last year as much.

    Another thing I like to do is to save chat logs with my friends so I can look back on what we said later. I used MSN Messenger from 2005-2010 so that period is fairly well preserved since MSN autosaves the chats onto your computer. Then from 2011 I started using Kakaotalk because most of my friends were Korean and I was meeting a lot of Koreans. Unfortunately, the period from 2011-2013 (which were my most exciting years) were not well preserved because the majority of my kakao chats were deleted accidentally when I changed phones to my 5S (I thought that Kakao stored all their chats on the server but they don’t). In addition, my external hard drive was accidentally reformatted in early 2014 as well (thanks Lenovo for your terrible warnings).

    So regretfully the only chats I have from that period, which was an amazing time, are from Facebook, which keeps the chats on the Facebook server, unlike Kakao which keeps chats locally. It’s too bad that I used Kakao way more than facebook messenger tho. So if you ever lose your phone or delete your kakao app, say goodbye to your precious chats 🙁 I learned the hard way. Again, from 2014 its fairly well-preserved since I didn’t change phones or lose my phone yet, but I wish I had all my chats from 2011/2012/2013 :(.

    I know we shouldn’t dwell on the past too much, but I do like to preserve a lot of my memories, and unfortunately I didn’t do a very good job of it before 2014. I will definitely try to take more pics with friends and videos and backup chats going forward though. While I do cherish my old memories, I do want to create new ones as well.