My future relationship prospects look bleak…

That feeling you get when all your friends are getting married or in long term relationships already.. it makes me feel weird. Like they’ve all found the right person and I’m still stuck in the mud as I always have been. People keep telling me you’ll find the ‘right one’ eventually but they’ve been telling me that since I was 17. How? Luck and timing?

I’m 30 years old now, and I’m no closer to finding that girl than when I was 17. It’s not that I’m picky (I like a lot of girls and some of the ones I like are even on my Facebook) but it seems like the girls I’m interested in are never interested in me. Maybe there’s something wrong with me, I dunno. They ignore my messages, or take a long time to reply, or are “busy” (until 2 weeks later they get a bf I find out).

Another problem is the vast majority of the girls I like are in Korea, and it’s not really the place I can be in for a long time. But even when I lived in Korea I found it difficult to establish long term relationships. They ban foreigners from using their dating apps and matchmaker services. Meetups are really inconsistent. Tinder just never works for me. Going to bars and clubs are a waste of time when you’re an introvert. I met my ex gfs out of sheer luck using language exchange apps but most girls on there are not using it to meet guys. It’s not easy. Koreans are usually too busy to meet very often. Long distance (as i found out the hard way this year) just doesnt work out. The only girls that seem to be interested in me are ones that have been to China or studied Chinese. But it doesnt make sense. I’m more Korean than I am Chinese. As long as they are Korean and can speak Korean its good enough for me. They don’t have to care about Chinese culture or Western culture or speak Chinese or English in any way. It’s a shame that they see ‘Chinese-Canadian’ and auto reject me because they assume I don’t know as much about Korean culture, or there’s something weird with me if I like Korean girls more than Chinese girls etc. Just because of my ethnicity.

Now since I’m 30, girls I knew from before, are all married or will get married soon. Getting older just makes it even more difficult to meet the right person. Looking back on it, I was probably too picky back then. A lot of the girls I should have dated back then are now married or have a bf, meaning I missed my chance. And meeting the right girl in Canada/US is no easier. They’ll just go back to Korea eventually. Or they’ll find a more interesting more outgoing person than me to marry here. I have to find a Korean girl who will immigrate abroad with me. But that doesn’t work either. I’m not Korean enough for the ones who want a Korean guy (they prefer Korean-American guys since they have Korean blood) and I’m not Western enough for the ones who want a foreign guy (they prefer white guys). It’s rather a bleak picture for me unfortunately.. 😞

And before you say it, yes, I am only attracted to Korean girls. This may seem strange to some people, but we are attracted to who we are attracted to. For me, its the style + personality/mannerisms + common cultural values that we share together. There’s a reason I studied Korean really hard, there’s a reason I lived in Korea for 2 years and go back every year, there’s a reason I prefer to use Korean instead of Chinese. It’s basically my second culture now. I have no desire to forget or ‘swap’ this culture for another one. I want to pass Korean values and language down to my children as well. Yes I am aware that this hinders my relationship prospects. I guess in that sense I’m no different from those traditional conservative Korean parents who only want their children to marry Koreans. Oh well. Korean culture is something that is really important to me and something I want to preserve, so I’m a bit stubborn about it.

Attraction isn’t something that’s easily changed. I don’t have a switch inside me that you can change to Chinese girls/Japanese girls/White girls/Black girls. I studied Korean and lived in Korea for a reason. It wasn’t just for fun. I didn’t ‘waste’ 2 of my years in Korea for nothing. If I could be attracted to non Koreans girls, I would have been dating other girls by now. I’m not trying to be stupid by limiting myself to one race. I really don’t have much choice. No one likes to be rejected 100+ times. But I kept living in Korea and going back every year for a reason. People don’t get it. And no it doesn’t make me a racist, please look up the definition of what a racist is. I have friends from every race. Being picky about the person I want to marry is not being racist. I want to be attracted to the person I marry, else whats the point in even marrying? Every year people try to “change” my mind about other girls.. thats not how attraction works. I can’t change my attraction to Korean women. Its never going to change. Its not some temporary phase or fetish or something. Nobody has a problem with Koreans only marrying Koreans. But they got a problem with me only marry a Korean and call me a racist. Thats a BS double standard right there. Apparently other people are more “open minded” because they date all sorts of races. Thats not how being open minded works. I have friends from every country from Denmark to Kazakhstan. Thats being open minded. Dating every kind of race just means you have no idea what you want in a person and don’t know what culture fits you best, it doesn’t make you any more “open minded” than anyone else. And it’s not even about the race.. it’s about the upbringing and culture that matters (notice how I never said anything about Korean American girls). Also, its a defeatist attitude to tell me ‘hey Tong I think Korean girls are too difficult for u to get why dont you try some other girls?’ there’s nothing Korean guys have (besides being Korean) that I don’t have. It’s not some impossible dream for me to marry a Korean girl that I have to give up on it and ‘try another girl’ because they are ‘too difficult’ for me. It’s insulting to me, frankly.

I even made a video about this last year but since people still don’t get it that’s why I have to keep explaining how attraction works to people.

다른 사람들이 저한테 ‘왜 한국여자만 좋아하냐고, 왜 중국여자 안 좋아하냐고, 다른 여자랑 사궈보면 더 좋지 않을까요?’ 사실히 제가 한국여자한테 아무 환상도 없고 더 깊은 좋아하는 이유 있어요. 2011년부터 한국친구 많이 사궈서 한국문화에 관심 더 많아졌어요. 2013년에 한국에 처음 왔을때 인상이 너무 신기한다고 한국문화에 반했어요. 2014년에 한국으로 이사했어요, 2년 동안 살았고 너무 좋은 경험 쌓았어요. 그때부터 한국어를 계속 연습하고 계속 사용하고 매년 한국에 계속 들어간다.

그래서 그저 한국여자 스타일만 좋아하지 아니라, 성격만 좋아하지 아니라, 외모만 좋아하지 아니라, 그냥 다 합치고 한국문화에 빠져들었어요. 제 미래 아기한테 한국 전통적인 가치관과 한국어 지키고싶어서.. 사실히 저 거의 한국사람된다, 교포보다 한국에 더 많이 들어가고 교포보다 한국어 더 잘하고 중국문화에 완전히 관심 없고 ㅋㅋ 한국문화는 제 삶에 큰 영향 끼쳐서 한국여자밖에 못 좋아해요, 그냥 상상하지도 못해요.

다른외국사람이 아시안여자한테 환상 있거나 고정관념 있어서 한국여자 좋아해요. 저는 그렇지 아니라, 더 중요하고 소중한 이유 있어요. 다른 사람들 이해해줄수있으시면 감사합니다.


Farewell Tour of Korea, plans for the future

One month left until I leave Korea. How time flies. Over the last 2 months I’ve been traveling around Korea for my last trip and farewell tour… going to Daegu, Busan, Gyeongju, Ulsan and Jeju island.

It was a really good time, even though I traveled alone (and theres tons of couples in Korea like always), I’m used to doing things by myself, so it was alright. Jeju was probably the best, lots of beautiful scenery there, especially in Udo island.

These days, I’ve been so homesick about my home in San Francisco, its driving me crazy… I keep looking at old pics of my home, even reconstructed my home in The Sims 3 just to get the feeling of being back… but its not the same. I’m tired of living in Korea now. Turns out, working at night, sleeping in the daytime, and eating instant ramen and fast food everyday for 2 years can take its toll on my body. I’ve traveled everywhere, done everything, and now I just want to say goodbye to my friends, sell all my Korea stuff, and go back.

I’m a little bittersweet about leaving Korea though… I am leaving in one month, almost exactly one year after I arrived in Korea in Dec 2014. Can’t believe its been 2 years already. My feelings about Korea have changed obviously since I first arrived here.
When I first came here, I was excited at the prospect of living somewhere new in Asia, experiencing the nightlife, meeting lots of pretty girls, all while making American salary. That sounds good on paper – but in truth, Korea turned out to be much better for traveling than for living. When you come to Korea for the first time, everything is amazing. Everything is open late. Everything is done very fast and efficiently. The subway is one of the best in the world. The women are super feminine and gorgeous. The service is awesome. You can drink alcohol in public. There’s no shady drugs or gangs roaming around, its a very safe country. But then once you start living there, things become different.
The nightlife got tiring after a few months. The girls were much harder to get than I expected. Friends become busy and cannot hang out often anymore. And doing things in Korea became very difficult because they prevent foreigners from doing a lot of things. For example, getting internet, buying a phone, getting a phone contract, buying things online etc all those things require Korean citizen ID or a Foreigner resident ID (which I don’t have since I work remotely). All these things made it very hard for me to live in Korea.

And Korea is really a place where being alone is kind of boring. Because of how Korean culture is, most people you see in Korea are in a relationship, and when they are in a relationship, they don’t usually hang out with their friends anymore and focus all their time on their partner. That’s just how Korean culture is.

1) Most people in Korea meet their partner through introductions from their friends, which you can imagine is geared towards native Koreans. As a foreigner the only methods I could meet someone is through going to meetups or language exchange websites/apps. But as I learned, a lot of other guys (even Korean guys) use those methods to meet girls, and most Korean girls are very loyal to their race and prefer to date Korean guys. Furthermore, the majority of girls I am meeting are only there for language exchange, not interested in a relationship, or simply too busy or not interested to continue contacting with me.

2) In Korea, work is like hell, and office workers, teachers, etc almost all workers work very long hours and are often very busy as a result. So most of my close friends are too busy to hang out with me. In addition, some of my friends are getting or got married, and so obviously don’t have time to meet either. So, the difficulty in getting a girlfriend / getting close to girls compounded with my friends being busy, and seeing couples all the time on the street and tons of beautiful girls outside that I will never have a chance with, led to a very depressing and lonely 2 years for me. I am disappointed, though I don’t regret coming to Korea since I learned a lot here and matured a lot, especially with regards to relationships and knowledge about Korean culture.

3) This also combined with the fact that working the night shift is slowly ruining my health and sleeping patterns. I noticed that I don’t have as much energy as before, not as productive at work as before, getting sick easily, and not sleeping very well either. Getting a job in Korea would be worse because I would still be working until very late, but not making much money and working more hours and not having enough time.

4) The fourth reason is not being able to do what I want (like buying things online, or having a real cellphone number), eat the food that I want (only Korean food and instantfood in supermarkets here), is what led me to become very homesick and sick of Korea these past 3 months.

These four reasons are the main reasons why I cannot stay in Korea for the long term. Its a great place to travel, great place to party, great place for nightlife, and the girls are absolutely stunning. I do have a bias towards Korean girls, but I hands down think they are the best girls in the world. They care so much more about their appearance compared to other girls (makeup, fashion, etc everything), they are extremely feminine (never saw any tomboys here) and they also care about their boyfriends and husbands a lot (trust me I’ve seen so many Korean girls being lovey dovey with their bfs everyday). They make great girlfriends (had experience with this) and wives (they often do cooking/cleaning/housework and take care of kids well), and they are loyal, nice and polite. The girls will be the main thing I miss about living in Korea, but I realized something when I thought more deeply about moving back to USA and Canada.

I can always find Korean girls back in USA and Canada (albeit there’s less of them and more competition, but there is still).. but I cannot enjoy my US/Canada life in Korea. Finding a Korean girl to bring back to America has also been difficult. I thought it would be easy since Koreans live such a hard life, and I had a good job and apartment in San Francisco, already, but I discovered that most Korean girls were very conservative about changing their life patterns… they didn’t want to quit their job or move abroad even if I promised them I would take care of them. They don’t like to take risks in general. That’s a difference in thinking, I believe. So I thought maybe the more open minded girls were back where I came from… the ones who were already abroad. It would be easier to convince them. I had been looking in the wrong place the whole time. And although I will have more competition from both Western men and other Asian men chasing them, I have matured somewhat during my stay in Korea. After having several Korean gfs here, I learned a lot about Korean girls, their thinking, their culture, a lot about how relationships work in Korea. I also found there was a massive difference between Korean girls and Chinese girls, both in looks and in personality. Since I grew up in a Western country, I have to be more open minded to look for girls that are the best for me, everywhere in the world. Not just my own race, not just in my own country. And having traveled to China, Europe, Taiwan, Japan, etc I still maintain a firm belief that Korean girls are 100% undoubtedly the best girls for me and in my opinion the most perfect women on earth. They are special and unique (I already explained this in previous posts), and I will keep trying to achieve that goal of finding a good Korean girlfriend and marrying her.

Last year, I had the worst luck with Korean women, but this year was better. The past 3 months I’ve met at least 5 girls that were willing to date me – as long as I were to stay in Korea. Where were they last year?? I cannot stay longer this year, even if I have a really beautiful sweet girl by my side here… the longer I stay, the more I ruin my health, and plus I have a lot of things to take care of back home in the US. I also have to prepare for my plan to move somewhere else next year. Its just unfortunate that I met all these good girls way too late. Bad timing, as always. Anyways, I hope that experience can help me find a Korean gf eventually back home.

So.. where is home now? The next step of my life is coming up. I will not stay in San Francisco, and the next place that I will move to will be Vancouver, Canada. Why Vancouver? It seems random, but there’s several reasons why Vancouver is the place I want to settle down:

1) Vancouver is about half the price of San Francisco, despite Vancouver being the most expensive place in Canada. This speaks a lot about how expensive SF is. I will have to pay more tax in Canada though, but that will be ok. It is also cheaper than living in Seattle or San Diego, two other places I considered, after factoring in the exchange rate.
2) Vancouver has West Coast climate and its the warmest city in Canada. I don’t like snow or cold weather so I ruled out New York and Toronto.
3) Vancouver has the second highest concentration of Koreans in Canada, after Toronto. Since Toronto is a much bigger city, I should be able to find Koreans more easily in Vancouver. I’ve spent a lot of time explaining why I prefer Korean girls over other girls (Asian or Western) so it makes sense that I would choose a place with a high concentration of Koreans.
4) Canadian food. Boy did I miss my Canadian sausages, flavored chips, Pizza pockets, Swiss Chalet, Timbits and Poutine…

So now my plan is to get my SF apartment rented out again, get my mortgage down to a level where I can borrow enough money to buy a place in Vancouver. That’s four reasons for leaving Korea, and four reasons for moving to Vancouver. I wouldn’t say I “wasted” the last 2 years in Korea, but definitely it was disappointing. The one thing I can say is I matured a lot and learned a lot about Korean culture, and handling Korean women (I’ve had 2 official relationships while I was in Korea). And its something I can use for my advantage in the future. Am I disappointed that I couldn’t find the girl of my dreams and bring her back? of course, but that’s how life is. Nothing comes easy. Everything is step by step. You have to wait for the right person, the right opportunity, especially for a guy like me who is very serious about relationships and don’t want to waste my time with short term flings. Patience is a virtue. I will come back to Korea in the future, but only for traveling, as it still is my favorite country in Asia and one of my favorite countries in the world, and I still have lots of friends there.


The dream is dying…

These past few days have been depressing, more than usual I guess. I accidentally erased my video logs dating back to late 2013, where I would just talk to the camera about various issues at the time. I would do this at various times between 2013-present and I lost all my video logs back then since I don’t upload those to youtube and they were together on the disk with my other youtube video files so I accidentally deleted them while organizing my files.

So I had to recollect all my memories from back then and re-iterate them again. But the most disappointing part of being in Korea so far is being rejected by Korean girls, and thats the main source of my depression. I’ve been rejected by 3 girls on the first date in the last 2 months, and thats what spurring this rant today.

I have posted several times last year about how hard it was to get a Korean girl to like me, and in my total 2 years in Korea I’ve only had 2 girls that have been my official girlfriend, for a total of only about 4 months. Out of 24 months, the other 20 months I’ve been single. I’ve been on many dates, but for some reason the girl always rejects me or loses interest after the first date. I’m not sure what I did wrong. I pay for girls, I treat them nicely, I talk to her about her interests, etc I don’t understand what I am doing wrong on the first date.

The problem is for foreigners, we don’t have that many ways to meet Korean girls. Most couples that I see on the street, those Korean couples met through blind dating, they had a friend or coworker introduce them. Because I never went to school here or work for a Korean company, I don’t have anyone to introduce me. My Korean friends’ friends all already have a boyfriend or they don’t date foreign guys (xenophobic society I know). Thus we can meet girls only through a few ways, either going to club or bar or picking up girls through “hunting”, using meetups or language exchange apps or sites, or going to church.
I don’t like to do “hunting” as my personality is totally unfit for it, and its hard to change my personality. Meeting girls at church could be my last resort, but I’m not religious in any way. Using language exchange apps or sites have been the primary way for me to meet girls so far, and out of those girls I’ve met, 70% of them text me for a few days and then eventually stop texting or responding after that. the remaining 30% that are willing to meet me, about 90% of them are only interested in language exchange. So you can imagine how difficult it is to meet a girl on these apps or sites for dating. Its not exactly very easy. And dating apps are a crapshoot as well. Most dating apps are only for Koreans (they use phone verification to ensure only Koreans can use it), Naver cafe dating sites are again, only for Koreans as they use verification. Tinder is a crapshoot since mostly foreign girls use them and the Korean girls that use that only want white men.

So what am I to do? The last couple girls I have met for dating, all rejected me after the first date, leaving me more or less pretty much guaranteed to be single for my remaining 4 months in Korea. I’ve tried as hard as I can without resorting to going to church or hunting. I know Korean girls care about appearance and cleanliness, so I’ve changed my hairstyle and clothing style, did lasik surgery to get rid of glasses, etc I speak a combination of Korean and English so that they don’t feel too lost when I speak English. I always pay for them when we go out. I don’t know what else I can do to make them interested in me… I’ve tried my best.

So far I’ve met these kind of girls:
-left me hanging on the street after I told her that appearance is important
-called the cops on me because she thought I was secretly taking video of her
-blocked me because I suggested her to go to a hookah place and she thought it was some kind of dangerous drug
-blocked me because last time we met I couldn’t find where she was fast enough
-blocked me because I took 3 days to respond to her message (I was in SF meeting my coworkers at the time)
-blocked me because I couldn’t meet her for drinking beer the exact day she asked (I was in SF at the time)
-blocked me because I said her pictures were pretty
-blocked me because I made a (mild) joke about her ex-bf and learning his language
-blocked me and went crazy swearing at me because I uploaded a video of us together on my youtube that she didn’t like
-blocked me because I wouldn’t give her money even though she wasn’t my gf
-blocked me because I didn’t “satisfy” her enough on our date even though on the date she pretended to like me a lot and I responded to it but I wasn’t “good enough”

Its like if I even did something like breathe the wrong way the girl would stop talking to me. I have no idea why I am meeting these types of girls while my friends always meets the kind of girls that are sweet and loving and want to be with them. Its like I’m cursed to forever be single or something.

Its ironic that I would have the most trouble getting a Korean girlfriend in Korea, the land of Korean girls. I want to keep trying though, since I am very devoted and loyal to them (haven’t dated a non Korean girl since 2012) and I am confident I can find the right girl, but maybe she’s not in Korea. Maybe I have to go back to USA or Canada to find her, as crazy as that sounds. I know those girls are more likely to be harder to get (more competition from American guys) and harder to find (less Koreans obviously) and probably going to go back to Korea at some point (exchange student), but what can I do? 2 years in Korea, and still nothing. I was too picky last year I know, but this year I’m not picky anymore, and I still can’t find the right girl. I am highly doubtful in the next 4 months that anything will change. I am close to giving up on finding a Korean girlfriend in Korea at this point. Its just torture seeing all these beautiful girls outside being really sweet and loving to their boyfriends, and knowing that I have no chance of getting those kind of girls to even respond to my messages let alone meet them and be in a relationship with them. Its like sitting behind the bars of a jail cell watching delicious food go past while you are hungry and starving, and unable to get those foods. Its within your reach, but you can’t get it. I’m about ready to leave Korea at this point. 4 more months of agony, out of my 20 months of total agony and I will finally go back to the USA, where I will still be lonely but the agony won’t be as painful because of the lack of Korean couples.

Some people ask me why Korean girls ? If you have so much trouble why don’t you marry a Chinese girl or Japanese girl? They don’t understand that
1) we are attracted to who we are attracted to. I can’t help who I like, why force myself to like girls who I don’t like?
2) Korean girls have the perfect combination of appearance and personality for me. Everything from their facial structure, way they dress, put on makeup, treat their boyfriend etc is perfect for me. Most Korean girls out there, care about their appearance a lot, always have good fashion and check their makeup wherever they go, are really sweet and loving to their boyfriends, nice and polite, loyal to Korean men (I’ve had several girls straight up tell me they only date Korean guys), very feminine and cute personalities, and on top of that do the cooking and cleaning and take care of children after they get married. The sad thing is Korean men don’t really appreciate those attributes, still cheat on them a lot and go for foreigner girls and have high standards for Korean girls. I don’t really understand that. Korean guys take what Korean girls do for them for granted… they don’t understand how amazing and perfect Korean girls are.
3) There’s vast differences between the 3 different races especially between Chinese and Korean girls. I’ve made a video about this before.
4) I don’t like it when people tell me this. It’s almost as if they think that Korean girls are out of my league and I should go for a “lesser” girl. Why don’t Korean guys or heck white guys get asked why they like Korean girls only?
5) I spent the last 4 years of my life focused on Korean language, culture and living in Korea. You think I would throw that all away and end up marrying a different kind of girl? That makes no sense.

But since its the last goal I really have in my life, I already have a stable job and an apartment, I need to devote all my resources to achieving this goal, and if 4 years of my life wasn’t enough (2 years studying Korean, 2 years spent in Korea), then we’ll keep going until this goal is achieved. As long as I am concerned, its either get the right Korean girlfriend who matches with me and marry her, or stay single forever. There’s no other option.