Updates – am I getting better?

A few months ago, I had an anxiety attack that really scared me, I wasn’t breathing well, couldn’t sleep, had chest tightness and palpitations and I was scared that I had a heart attack, so I went to the doctor and cardiologist to take a look – well good news is that it wasn’t heart related and I’m in good health it was just caused by stress and anxiety – partly due to crypto crashing and partly due to breaking up with my gf. I took anti-depressants and am still taking them, and I seem to be getting better.

Safe to say this year has not been good to me so far. I am filled with regrets from not selling my crypto at the beginning of this year. I had the chance to book a $50k profit + send it over to Korea which had a premium on crypto at that time to make another 30-40% profit. Instead I doubled down on my risk, took out 3 loans and attempted to catch a falling knife – and now I’m down $100k+ on my investments. On top of that I lost $2300 because I re-sold a Chanel bag online and forgot to ship the package priority and when it went to Canada, buyer complained they didn’t receive it, I couldn’t refute that claim because it didn’t offer tracking to Canada, and had to give that money out of my own pocket. I also lost a $1000 Camera+Lens because the Renovation movers misplaced it somewhere. In addition to that I was scammed 1.5 ETH ($1200 total) and none of the ICOs I invested in made any money for me – on average I lost like 60-80% when it debuted. All these money issues were a major cause of my depression and anxiety these days.

So good news is I am still getting over that crypto loss (I am still losing a lot but oh well… its just money.. ill make it back), and I’m trying to focus on other things like how to make back that money. However, bad luck strikes again! I was in the process of trying to purchase 1000 GIN to setup a GIN masternode (GIN COIN) and sent it to Crypto-Bridge which was the ONLY exchange where I could purchase it – and lo and behold just THAT day they had an issue with BTC deposits and mine got stuck – been waiting for 5 days so far and no sign of me getting that money. Meanwhile price of GIN has gone up 40%. FML. Seriously I have the worst timing ever or this year really hates me in terms of finances.

In other news, I had to fork over an additional $25k to renovate my apartment and hopefully that sale goes well. I’ve had enough financial problems this year so I hope that’s the one thing that I might actually get in my favor. I am probably going to work for another 2 months… I don’t like my job but my financial issues have forced me to continue working longer than expected.

I also play a lot of video games these days, of course. Far Cry 5 is a great one that I continue to play with my friend these days, as well as some good old school Gunbound as well. In addition I’ve been playing this awesome cyberpunk game with talking dogs and robotic lolitas and all that great stuff in a game called VA1-HA11-A Cyberbunk bartending action and the game is one of the best visual novel type games I’ve played (right next to Stein’s Gate which is hands down the best one I’ve played so far)

VA1-HA11-A on PS Vita
VA1-HA11-A on PS Vita

In addition I’ve obtained a lightsaber! Yes Saberforge has taken 4 months(!) to finally make my Bane Mk II Count-Dooku style curved hilt lightsaber and yes it looks great and it’s awesome.

Saberforge Bane MkII Lightsaber
Saberforge Bane MkII Lightsaber

What is the most difficult thing you’ve had to do in your life?

For me this is the most difficult thing I’ve done – am doing because I still haven’t succeeded yet.
All my life I’ve been generally a shy person. it was hard for me to talk to people and it was hard for me to engage in conversation. In high school I didn’t have any female friends. In University I was basically deep in my studies all the time and didn’t have much time to socialize.
After university, I immigrated to California and began working. That’s the first time I met Korean friends. Having been raised in a Chinese household and made mostly Chinese friends during university, I always thought Koreans were similar to Chinese. **I was very wrong. **The first time I visited Korea in 2013 – **I found out that Koreans and Chinese are actually totally different from each other. **I just didn’t realize this before because Korean Canadians and Chinese Canadians were actually quite similar.
Around this time I had my first Korean gf: She was beautiful, she was sweet and she was loving. And I made many Korean female friends, and I found all of them to be quite good looking and sweet to their bfs. I also found out that I may have a genetic preference for Korean women all along – their deeply Confucian culture was a much better fit for me than modern Chinese culture was, and I was attracted to how they looked, how they dressed, the way they acted, how feminine they were, and Korean culture and mannerisms in general.
I realized that all the girls in my life that I’ve been attracted to – have either been Korean all along or have exhibited Korean characteristics. Having realized this attraction, **I made it a personal goal to marry a Korean woman – **and buried my head deep in Korean language books to improve my Korean.
For 2 years from 2012 to 2014, I studied Korean history, culture and grammar really hard and finally improved my Korean to a level that I would consider ‘conversationally fluent’. Then I had to change my job. I quit my job and changed to a job that allowed me to work remotely. The problem was, I still had work the same time zone as my California team members. Oh well.
In 2014 I moved to Korea not knowing if I could even get a place to stay there. I managed to get a place and a bank account using just my passport. And for 2 years I worked like a vampire – sleeping during the daytime and working during 1am to 9am (the hours were exactly opposite California and Korea). It put a heavy toll on my body. I only ate convenience store food during this time so it was very unhealthy. I lost more than 10kg during this time. All this so that I could have a *chance* of dating a Korean girl to fulfill my goal.
I failed. 2 years came and went, and even though I tried my best to meet Korean women – I never found one that really liked me enough to immigrate with me back to Canada. I had exhausted so many options. I tried Tinder, I tried all the online conversation exchange apps. I tried going to various language meetups. None of the girls I met from there had any interest in me.
Why I wondered? Why did Korean girls hate me so much when I sacrificed so much for them? Why did white guys have such success dating them and me as an Asian-Canadian have so little? I spoke Korean much better than the typical foreigner. I was not that bad looking by my own standards (after all I see uglier Korean guys dating pretty girls everywhere). I tried my best to dress like a Korean and have manners like a Korean. And yet I still failed. Many times I thought about giving up this dream but I couldn’t. I knew I was better than this. I knew that I had a chance but was missing something.
Then I realized – its because of my inexperience with relationships. I didn’t have that many relationships before, and my chronic shyness killed any chances of a Korean girl liking me. Firstly, it must be said that Korea is a very conservative country – and a lot of – if not the majority – of Koreans only date with other Koreans. I was rejected by a lot of women just for not being a Korean. Secondly, they prefer foreigners who looked white. As a Chinese-Canadian I was at a disadvantage. Thirdly – I was not experienced at dealing with women and way too shy. Korean women – like any women – like guys with confidence. I had very little confidence in myself and very little self esteem. I couldn’t understand why so many jerks ended up with all the women and nice guys like me got nothing.
So I tried to better myself. After my 2 years was up, I was forced to come back to the US and find another job for the time being to save up money. But make no mistake, I am still working on this goal and I still plan to move back to Korea sometime to find the right girl. This time I’ll be more experienced. And hopefully succeed. As long as I had the determination – this goal was the one driving purpose in my life. I really had dedicated the last 5 years of my life to it – and I was determined to succeed. Yes I know its an uphill battle. Yes, I know it would be easier to marry a Chinese or Thai or Filipino or whatever. But that’s not the point of life is it? If I took the easy way out.. it would be an admission of defeat and there would be no sense of satisfaction and I *still* wouldn’t be happy – because I knew that I (being of Manchu ancestry) had a genetic attraction to Korean women. And from other answers on Quora I read that Chinese male – Korean female relationships often ended up in disaster.. I was determined to be the one who can make it succeed.
So by God, this will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Graduating from a top school in Canada? been there done that. Moving to California and getting a job in Silicon Valley was peanuts. Learning Korean was a cakewalk. Marrying a Korean girl – with mutual attraction – as a Chinese Canadian – now that is the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do. And I’m still working on it.

I need a break…

Ever since I came back from Korea last year, I find myself more and more lacking the passion that got me into programming and computer science. Since I was 12 years old, all throughout high school and university I’d been designing and working on webpages and websites. After I graduated in 2011, I immediately found a job in San Francisco and was happy to live there and attend tech meetups and startups there until 2014 when I moved to Korea.
When I was in Korea I was also working though my enthusiasm was slightly diminished due to me focusing more on the goal of meeting someone there. When I failed that goal ultimately and was forced to come back to SF, I found myself even less eager to get back into programming and working a day job again. There’s nothing wrong with Spigit, the company that I work for, nor my coworkers who are pretty easy going, nor the salary or benefits (except I wish I had more PTO), nor the technology (I actually prefer Angular 2 to ReactJS) but its just the timing I guess.

I’m at a point in my life where I needed to find a partner, and being back in SF definitely does not help. It doesn’t help that SF has gotten a lot worse than before. There’s more homeless, more crazy people, prices have gone up, less women, less internationals, less Koreans and salary is the *exact same* as what I got from Walmart in 2014. So same salary, less PTO, and everything else in SF has become worse. I only have one friend left in SF now and he wants to leave here even more badly than I do! Coincidentally or not almost all my close male friends have chosen to be with Korean women.. and all of them have had more success than me, ironically, even though my Korean skill is probably the highest out of all of them. And not to mention that I have been focusing on Korea the longest, since 2012.

So yeah, I need a break from work, and I need a break from this city. SF while its still a tourist friendly city, has become a worse and worse place to live in. There’s less and less reason to stay here while the salaries are still stagnant.
These days I just hang out with my friend who constantly complains about life in SF and the lack of women here (doesn’t help my cause) and play video games all day. All my other friends are in Canada or Korea. What a life.

I really want to stay at my company at least one year though, since I’ve never worked for a company less than that and I want to make it seem that I’m somewhat loyal to the companies I go for. Plus I have a plan to sell my place next year and get out of the US, which means this could be potentially the last US job I work for. So why not make it last a little longer?
But yeah this is still next June, and surviving until that time is… difficult. Almost all of my friends from 2014, from before I left SF the first time, are no longer here. Making new friends is difficult; most of the internationals I’ve met this year have all been temporary couchsurfers who I only get to know for a few days before they take off again.

So yes that is my pitiful situation currently. I’m not enjoying my job, Its hard to make new friends here, my old friends have all gone, its impossible to make a girlfriend here due to lack of Koreans, and all this while all my friends and people I care about are next to North Korea, a country that Trump might decide to attack any day now. It is quite misery indeed. Even though 2013 and 2015 weren’t terrific years, in retrospect they were, and in addition to 2012, 2014 and 2016 (those which I always remember fondly), I even begin to miss my life in 2013 (in SF) and 2015 (in Seoul) too… compared to those times 2017 feels like being in a prison. I have to stay here to save money, but at the same time I feel no joy, depression comes fairly often, and I feel trapped in this place that I can’t escape until at least June 2018. I need a change in my life for sure.