My future relationship prospects look bleak…

That feeling you get when all your friends are getting married or in long term relationships already.. it makes me feel weird. Like they’ve all found the right person and I’m still stuck in the mud as I always have been. People keep telling me you’ll find the ‘right one’ eventually but they’ve been telling me that since I was 17. How? Luck and timing?

I’m 30 years old now, and I’m no closer to finding that girl than when I was 17. It’s not that I’m picky (I like a lot of girls and some of the ones I like are even on my Facebook) but it seems like the girls I’m interested in are never interested in me. Maybe there’s something wrong with me, I dunno. They ignore my messages, or take a long time to reply, or are “busy” (until 2 weeks later they get a bf I find out).

Another problem is the vast majority of the girls I like are in Korea, and it’s not really the place I can be in for a long time. But even when I lived in Korea I found it difficult to establish long term relationships. They ban foreigners from using their dating apps and matchmaker services. Meetups are really inconsistent. Tinder just never works for me. Going to bars and clubs are a waste of time when you’re an introvert. I met my ex gfs out of sheer luck using language exchange apps but most girls on there are not using it to meet guys. It’s not easy. Koreans are usually too busy to meet very often. Long distance (as i found out the hard way this year) just doesnt work out. The only girls that seem to be interested in me are ones that have been to China or studied Chinese. But it doesnt make sense. I’m more Korean than I am Chinese. As long as they are Korean and can speak Korean its good enough for me. They don’t have to care about Chinese culture or Western culture or speak Chinese or English in any way. It’s a shame that they see ‘Chinese-Canadian’ and auto reject me because they assume I don’t know as much about Korean culture, or there’s something weird with me if I like Korean girls more than Chinese girls etc. Just because of my ethnicity.

Now since I’m 30, girls I knew from before, are all married or will get married soon. Getting older just makes it even more difficult to meet the right person. Looking back on it, I was probably too picky back then. A lot of the girls I should have dated back then are now married or have a bf, meaning I missed my chance. And meeting the right girl in Canada/US is no easier. They’ll just go back to Korea eventually. Or they’ll find a more interesting more outgoing person than me to marry here. I have to find a Korean girl who will immigrate abroad with me. But that doesn’t work either. I’m not Korean enough for the ones who want a Korean guy (they prefer Korean-American guys since they have Korean blood) and I’m not Western enough for the ones who want a foreign guy (they prefer white guys). It’s rather a bleak picture for me unfortunately.. 😞

And before you say it, yes, I am only attracted to Korean girls. This may seem strange to some people, but we are attracted to who we are attracted to. For me, its the style + personality/mannerisms + common cultural values that we share together. There’s a reason I studied Korean really hard, there’s a reason I lived in Korea for 2 years and go back every year, there’s a reason I prefer to use Korean instead of Chinese. It’s basically my second culture now. I have no desire to forget or ‘swap’ this culture for another one. I want to pass Korean values and language down to my children as well. Yes I am aware that this hinders my relationship prospects. I guess in that sense I’m no different from those traditional conservative Korean parents who only want their children to marry Koreans. Oh well. Korean culture is something that is really important to me and something I want to preserve, so I’m a bit stubborn about it.

Attraction isn’t something that’s easily changed. I don’t have a switch inside me that you can change to Chinese girls/Japanese girls/White girls/Black girls. I studied Korean and lived in Korea for a reason. It wasn’t just for fun. I didn’t ‘waste’ 2 of my years in Korea for nothing. If I could be attracted to non Koreans girls, I would have been dating other girls by now. I’m not trying to be stupid by limiting myself to one race. I really don’t have much choice. No one likes to be rejected 100+ times. But I kept living in Korea and going back every year for a reason. People don’t get it. And no it doesn’t make me a racist, please look up the definition of what a racist is. I have friends from every race. Being picky about the person I want to marry is not being racist. I want to be attracted to the person I marry, else whats the point in even marrying? Every year people try to “change” my mind about other girls.. thats not how attraction works. I can’t change my attraction to Korean women. Its never going to change. Its not some temporary phase or fetish or something. Nobody has a problem with Koreans only marrying Koreans. But they got a problem with me only marry a Korean and call me a racist. Thats a BS double standard right there. Apparently other people are more “open minded” because they date all sorts of races. Thats not how being open minded works. I have friends from every country from Denmark to Kazakhstan. Thats being open minded. Dating every kind of race just means you have no idea what you want in a person and don’t know what culture fits you best, it doesn’t make you any more “open minded” than anyone else. And it’s not even about the race.. it’s about the upbringing and culture that matters (notice how I never said anything about Korean American girls). Also, its a defeatist attitude to tell me ‘hey Tong I think Korean girls are too difficult for u to get why dont you try some other girls?’ there’s nothing Korean guys have (besides being Korean) that I don’t have. It’s not some impossible dream for me to marry a Korean girl that I have to give up on it and ‘try another girl’ because they are ‘too difficult’ for me. It’s insulting to me, frankly.

I even made a video about this last year but since people still don’t get it that’s why I have to keep explaining how attraction works to people.

다른 사람들이 저한테 ‘왜 한국여자만 좋아하냐고, 왜 중국여자 안 좋아하냐고, 다른 여자랑 사궈보면 더 좋지 않을까요?’ 사실히 제가 한국여자한테 아무 환상도 없고 더 깊은 좋아하는 이유 있어요. 2011년부터 한국친구 많이 사궈서 한국문화에 관심 더 많아졌어요. 2013년에 한국에 처음 왔을때 인상이 너무 신기한다고 한국문화에 반했어요. 2014년에 한국으로 이사했어요, 2년 동안 살았고 너무 좋은 경험 쌓았어요. 그때부터 한국어를 계속 연습하고 계속 사용하고 매년 한국에 계속 들어간다.

그래서 그저 한국여자 스타일만 좋아하지 아니라, 성격만 좋아하지 아니라, 외모만 좋아하지 아니라, 그냥 다 합치고 한국문화에 빠져들었어요. 제 미래 아기한테 한국 전통적인 가치관과 한국어 지키고싶어서.. 사실히 저 거의 한국사람된다, 교포보다 한국에 더 많이 들어가고 교포보다 한국어 더 잘하고 중국문화에 완전히 관심 없고 ㅋㅋ 한국문화는 제 삶에 큰 영향 끼쳐서 한국여자밖에 못 좋아해요, 그냥 상상하지도 못해요.

다른외국사람이 아시안여자한테 환상 있거나 고정관념 있어서 한국여자 좋아해요. 저는 그렇지 아니라, 더 중요하고 소중한 이유 있어요. 다른 사람들 이해해줄수있으시면 감사합니다.


Who’s the most ridiculously good-looking person you’ve ever met?

People who follow my answers have a good idea already that I’m attracted to Korean women a lot. I find most Korean women attractive just on the basis of their appearance, fashion, attention to detail, feminine and sweet personality, traditional Confucian values etc

a lot of the women I see walking around in the Hongdae, Itaewon and Gangnam areas of Seoul are quite attractive.

I would like to share one story though. I met an unbelievably gorgeous woman through an online app in Seoul and originally I thought we were only going to do language exchange. Since her Kakao profile did not show her face I initially didn’t know what she was going look like.

When I was waiting for her outside of Gangnam exit 10, I had to double – triple check myself to make sure this was the right girl. She had a supermodel looking figure, flawless skin and a really cute face. She was wearing a really low cut short black dress and high heels that day..

At first I thought we were only going to do language exchange but then when she was walking with me, a car came past and she quickly grabbed my arm and said ‘you’re supposed to protect me!’. And then I realized that it was not language exchange she wanted but an actual date! And I almost shit my pants there because I couldn’t believe a girl this beautiful wanted to go on a date with me.

Anyways I took her to a Chinese restaurant and a cafe – where she actually said to me that she would consider dating me but since I was leaving back to US soon she was disappointed. As was I… I still can’t believe a girl that gorgeous actually wanted to date me.

So yes that was the most beautiful girl I actually talked with and not just stared at. And it boosts my confidence too. Now I know even though I’m not the most handsome guy – at least I was handsome enough for a girl like that.
(and no I dont have any pics of her because i was too nervous to take a pic with her and she never showed off herself online because she was too modest..)


Korea life update…

Hey guys, it’s time for another one of my more honest and personal posts. I’ve been in Korea for more than 3 months now, and how do I feel?

Well, not too different actually. My Korean has gotten better, which is expected since I hear Korean everyday and do language exchange with a lot of Koreans, so that’s good. I can do most light conversations about a decent variety of topics now. Even paying the utility bills and rent isn’t too bad anymore. But what about the thing I wanted to do in Korea? Finding a Korean gf? Well… not so well.

Even though I’m not a really charming guy, I’m not exactly the most antisocial guy either. At least better than some Korean guys that I see. And I’m not a playboy either. (How do you know I’m not a playboy? because I’m writing this post on my public blog!) Yet, for whatever reason, these 3 months in Korea have been the most utterly futile 3 months ever. It’s not that I don’t meet a lot of girls, but its just getting them interested in me seems to be near impossible.

I go to bars, sometimes clubs, meetups, I message a lot of girls online, and all I’m looking for is a young, cute girl who can treat me well. That’s it. That’s not a high requirement considering how often I see those kind of loving young couples in the cafe and on the street. And out of all the girls I’ve met or contacted, most of the ones who fit my criteria outright ignore my messages, and the ones that don’t are too busy / have a bf already / don’t want to meet me. That’s kind of disappointing.

I guess I thought it would be easy to find that kind of girl in Korea, since many of my friends told me girls like guys who can speak English, play guitar, have a stable job, make money, do cooking and cleaning and housework, live alone, etc. Well, despite being able to do all of that, I don’t think Korean girls really care about those things. Now, this might be because some Korean girls discriminate, since I’ve seen white guys pick up Korean girls fairly easily by speaking English, or learning Korean, etc. But not for me, and I learned Korean by myself and speak it better than most of them! I actually don’t know the reason why most of them reject me, or ignore me.

For example, I think I had at least 20 girls in 3 months outright ignore or block me on Kakao talk for reasons I can’t explain. You would think that I said something offensive or bad right? But no, the last messages I sent to them include such heinous sentences as ‘Good morning’, ‘did you have a good new years?’, ‘nice to meet you’, ‘did you arrive home safely?’, etc. It makes absolutely no sense why they would block me or ignore me for things like that. Maybe because I’m an engineer, I like to dissect and analyze the reasons. But for this there is no explanation. I’m frustrated because I don’t know what I did wrong. For a programming analogy, it’s like working on a server which only starts up 30-40% of the time, gets bugs at any time, cannot be debugged, yet is able to work perfectly in the hands of other guys. It’s insane.

Anyways, that’s been my 3 months in Korea. It’s frustrating when you see couples on the street or at a restaurant or cafe all the time, yet have no idea what you are doing wrong. Relationships have always been my weak point. It’s probably the most difficult thing in my life since there is no concrete solution to it. The solution to getting a job? Build up experience, network with people, go online and message recruiters, etc. The solution to buying a house? Save up money, look for a location with high demand, look for a place you can rent out if you don’t live there, etc. A lot of the other so called ‘difficult’ goals in life have somewhat concrete steps to achieve them.
Not so for relationships. And no one can help me with it since it’s so specific to my case. I just have to keep trying I know, but just how much effort does it take? I must’ve put more effort for this goal already than any other goal in my life.

Next month I will go back to US and Canada. But what a disappointing and heartbreaking 3 months its been. TZ signing off for now…