Seriously, what is with people these days? I am a screen door demonstator and here are some of the questions that I am asked. “Can I open it with my foot?” “If I stand behind it, will I be invisible?” “Is the lock on the outside or inside?”.
Seriously, think before you act people, can you really be that dense? Admist all the retards and the buffoons, I have to put up with the salesmen in front of our booth. They have an all-star roster of deranged and psychotic people that just disgust me.
Specimen one: We call him the weasel. He puts about 60 tons of grease in his hair everyday, looks weird and is just plain psycho. His conversations include everything from throwing a pencil at our booth to braggin about his ‘pornstar’ bipolar girlfriend.
Specimen two: We call him the british imperialist. He is incredibly old, incredibly chubby and incredibly racist. enough said.
Specimen three: A guy with a broken nose and a huge beard that constantly hits on women 30 years younger than him. Creep.
Specimen four: The most recent one, this guy is just monstrously gigantic, has a huuuugeee gut and sits and waddles all day. Me and dagomar made a sketch of him today and I’d say its pretty accurate.
There are more specimens but you get my drift. Even more incredible, the CNE boasts more freaks than the circus. Here are some of the people I found walking around.
-Tattoo man, who is covered in tatoos. Another man who has a giant tattoo on his forehead, I’m sure people avoid looking at him.
-Chipmunk man, a man who acts like a rat and has huge buckteeth sticking out from him
-Raggity ann we call her, somebody who seems to have been hit by the ugly stick at least 50 times and somehow survived.
-A woman who has no neck at all. Another woman who has half a leg, and it was just plain hilarious to see her walk around.
-Obese people. Now I know that canada has alot of obese people but I’m pretty sure at least half of them end up here. the worst was the man who actually could not walk because his fat went below his knees and needed a cart to move around. I mean the guy looked like a small planet! I kid you not, how he manages to breathe and go to the bathroom is nothing short of a miracle.
So guys, I encourage you all to go to the CNE next year to check out some of the most freakiest people on earth. free of charge. Also remember to get some free razors. To others who work here: Don’t you feel special? =)
You eat rice for breakfast.
Your friends and everybody else assume you know Kung Fu.
You remember or still use “the bowl” for haircuts.
Your folk?s kitchen have a constant lingering aroma.
You notice the main topic at family get-togethers is food.
Your parent?s lifelong ambition is to go to Las Vegas.
You never ever sat down on Popo?s warm chair after she got up.
You seldom ever owned new clothes if you were a second child.
Your folks never speak under 10 decibels at family gatherings.
You never made the school football or basketball team.
You have two middle initials instead of one.
You have an inherent “fear” for bamboo feather dusters.
Your “hot” date is going to your parent?s house to have “jook”.
Your living room sofas have covers on them.
You laugh at Kan Tong and Chung King commercials.
You inform the ticket clerk that your 13 year old is 12 to avoid paying adult fare.
You sneak in snacks at the movie theater.
Your grandmother smell like mothballs.
You?d bring home a Caucasian friend and “popo” would be cooking something that smelled like it had died a week ago.
You were told you all look alike.
You know how to pinch someone with your toes.
You graduated from UCI or knows of someone who did.
You would drive around the block 10 times rather than pay for parking.
You have a hard time pronouncing “aluminum” and “lobster claw”.
You truly believe that your neighbor could use that old sweater rather than throwing it away.
You would take that sweater if you were your neighbor.
You would stand in line for hours and hours for a free gift whether you needed it or not.
You have clothes in your closet that is coming back in style.
You?ve seen every Bruce Lee movie.
You still have your old slide rule.
You never order chop suey or egg foo young.
You have a relative or friend who works as a waiter or cook.
You prefer your chicken and shrimp served with heads and feet still attached.
You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table.
You spit bones and other food scraps on the table (that?s why you need a vinyl tablecloth).
Your parents know how to launch nasal projectiles.
You buy on sale 100 rolls of toilet paper and store them in a closet or in a vacant room when your adult child moves out.
You only buy Christmas cards after Christmas when its 50% off.
Your kitchen has a sticky film of grease over it.
Your stove is covered with tin foil.
You have stuff in your freezer since the beginning of time.
You have never used your dishwasher.
You use your dishwasher as a dish rack.
You boil water and put it in the refrigerator.
You keep a thermos of hot water available at all times.
You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers.
You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
You eat all meals in the kitchen.
You bring oranges or other produce with you as a gift when you visit peoples homes.
You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel.
You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully to save and reuse wrappings and bows.
You feel like you?ve won the lottery if you didn?t have to pay tax for an item.
You starve yourself all day before going to an all you can eat buffet.
You stop dialing 411 information when they started to charge for each call.
You only call long distance after 11 PM.
You suck on salty preserved seeds for a sore throat.
You keep a stash of Li Hing Mui at home.
Your eyes resemble dime slots when you laugh.
You know what the term “FOB” and “ABC” means.
You laugh at Martin Yan?s jokes not because he?s funny.
Your parents have a glass jar of preserved limes aging on top of the roof.
You own a wok.
You know what a “bow” is?and it doesn?t mean to bend over.
You never eat fried foods when you?re sick (it creates phlegm and hot air).
You would prefer your fish entree staring at you on the dinner table.
You never discuss your love life with your parents.
Your parents still use a clothes line.
You save your old coke bottle glasses even though you?re never going to use them again.
You keep most of your money in a savings account.
You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it.
You?ve joined a CD club at least once.
You keep used batteries.
You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewelry or electronics.
You?re always late.
You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don?t eat the last piece of food on the table.
You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
Your dad thinks he can fix anything.
You live with your parents and over 30 years old (and they like it that way). And if you?re married, you live in the apartment next to your parents, or in the same neighborhood.
Your parents house is always cold.
You beat eggs with chopsticks.
You never use measuring cups.
You reuse tea bags.
You tip Chinese delivery guys/waiters more.
You never call your parents to say hi.
You always cook too much.
Your parents always ask you if you?ve eaten, even though it?s midnight.
Your parents send money to their relatives in China.
Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside when you?re sick.
You have a drawer full of used pens, most of which don?t write anymore.
You know all the waiters at your favorite Chinese restaurant.
Your parents never go to the movies.
You notice at dances, a wall of guys standing together trying to look cool.
You iron your own shirts.
You play a musical instrument.
You don?t own any real Tupperware, only used margarine tubs, takeout containers, and jam jars.
You never leave any leftovers on the table in a restaurant. You have it put in boxes or finish it.
Your ketchup, mayonnaise, and mustard in the refrigerator are all “Price Club-size”.
You have an assortment of condiments and utensils from fast food takeouts stuffed in a drawer.
You never order for room service.
You majored in something practical like engineering, medicine, or law.
Your parents are never satisfied with your grades.
You own a rice cooker.
You buy rice in 50 pound sacks.
You wash rice 2 to 3 times before you cook it.
You steam something on top of your rice while its cooking.
You have acquired a taste for bitter melon.
You like congee with thousand year old eggs.
You always carry a stash of food when you travel like preserved plums, beef jerky, or dried cuttlefish.
Your parents vehemently refuse the sack of gold coin oranges that their guests brought to be courteous.
You know what MJ means.
You pick your teeth at the dinner table, but you cover your mouth.
You have a piano in the living room.
You live in an apartment and your parents always want you to come home.
You have a rice cooker to check in at the airport when you travel.
You grow your own bean sprouts in the kitchen.
Your mother made you peel water chestnuts and snow peas.
You have an lonely unmarried relative who frequently drops by during dinner time.
You received little red envelopes containing money on special occasions.
You use the underside of a porcelain bowl to sharpen your knives.
You cut your own hair?or had someone in your family do it.
Your grandmother has a lot of gold teeth?especially in front.
You keep fresh garlic and ginger in the kitchen at all times.
You know what the term “lemon” or a “banana” means.
You only have to shave every other day (maybe).
You tell your friends that you?re starting a new mustache when you really had it for several months.
You wash and reuse ziplock bags.
You save your children?s halloween candy and give it out the next year.
You either love or hate “mooncakes”.
You know at least three people named Alan Wong.
Your parents constantly complain you use too much toilet paper when you go to the bathroom.
You hated that black herb medicine that your parents forced you to drink when you were sick.
Your parents have kitchen towels made of old cloth rice bags.
You never drank milk after eating cherries.
You?ve swallowed those tiny “BB?s” with hot tea for a tummy ache.
Your mother has a short-haired, curly perm.
You?ve asked your parent?s help on one math problem and 2 hours later they?re still lecturing.
You shop at 99 Ranch Markets.
Your parents enjoy comparing you to their friend?s kids.
You?ve had to sit through karaoke videos with scantily clad, ugly Asian women attempting to dance and walk around a temple, forest, or library.
You?ve had to eat parts of animals that they don?t even put in hotdogs.
You have piles of shoes and slippers blocking the entrances to your home.
You have no eyelashes!
Your idiot friends try to impress you with pathetic imitation languages, like the ever so popular “ching chong woo bok chi”?etc.
Your biology lecture on marine life (seaweed, octopii, sea cucumbers, etc.) was last night?s dinner.
You have at least one family member who wears black wire or plastic framed glasses.
You have several relatives who wear glasses?thick glasses.
You like $1.75 movies
You like $1.50 movies even more!
Your parents never kissed you?your parents never kissed each other.
Your friends ask you to translate the scribbles on chopsticks (like you really know what it means!).
You call all your parents friends “auntie or uncle”.
You get nothing if you do well in school, but get in big trouble if you don?t.
Your dad still pulls his socks up to his knees?you know, the ones with the blue and pink stripes at the top.
Your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes too big so you can “grow” into them and wear them for years to come.
Your family always cheer for the Asian athlete competing (eg. Michael Chang, Michelle Kwan, etc).
Your parents or relatives have goldfish swimming in an aquarium.
Your first generation relatives have a statue of an obese, bald-headed man surrounded by children.
Your parents collect jade jewelry.
Your friends from China think anything from the old country is considered “good stuff”.
You know not to eat the oranges or tangerines arranged in a little pyramid.
You always drink tea after a meal.
Your dad owns at least one bird.
Your parents grow vegetables in a garden.
You use doilies to decorate your furniture.
Your friends automatically assume you?re good at math.
You are good at math!!! (the hell with humility).
You know how to pick out the meat in watermelon seeds with your teeth.
Your grandmother rapped your knuckles with her chopsticks while reaching food with your fingers.
You are now planning to Email this list ASAP to another Chinese friend!
Yes yes I know this is a pathetic rant but I’ve been wanting to let this out for a while. People keep asking me that I’ll find the perfect girl someday and I just don’t know If that ‘someday’ is sometime soon. The perfect girl could be at the subway station, or walking around the CNE, or even in my classes at school, but I’ll never know that. Not because I’m afraid to ask them or anything, but it seems I have low self esteem in front of women. There seems to be so many beautiful and smart women out there and I just feel like I’m not good enough for them. I am especially nervous in front of asian women. This is not only because I’ve never known an asian person (outside of my family) that well in my life before, but just that I have tremendous longing for them as well. I believe that I finally realized this during one of the various times that I have watched a movie alone, dined alone, or watched the fireworks alone amidst other guys who have their girlfriends care for them. There is this feeling I get when I see a couple hold hands together, or share a kiss, or play around with each other and I feel such pain because I wish I could do that with someone else. Now you must wonder, how is it that a 5’11, former-football playing, blues/rock musician has to talk about a subject like this on a facebook blog? How is it that I have never had a girlfriend despite being an average-looking, friendly and outgoing person? A witty and weird sense of humour? being on the honor roll for every year of high school, becoming an ontario scholar and earning 2 scholarships on the way? having a decent car and a decent job?
Yes, and I wonder too. I see apparently ‘nerdy’ looking guys hanging around with supermodel-looking girls all the time and wonder how this is so. I am consistently perplexed by this apparent paradox? I think it is because of this that I am perpetually alone. What few friends I have abandoned me. What’s the point of becoming famous if no one wants to hang out with you? If no one wants to go to the local concerts with you, if no one wants to watch a movie with you? This is the perpetual problem that arises with life. With no friends in life, with no one that cares for you, or loves you, you cease to exist. You exist in your memories, your thoughts, in the microcosm of your own realm. You need love to survive. You need love more than anything, because once you love someone, the necessities of other essentials like food, water, shelter, and money become less apparent. Love empowers people, causes the world to turn, people to live, and others to die. Love encompasses so many things and effects so many individuals, but the world has left no love for me.