Disclaimer: This story isn’t meant to be serious or well written, it’s for laughs.
Chapter 1: Zombies, Pandas & Dwarves
I ran away from the touring circus dwarf pack, which were surrounded by a disease that was tearing off their bodies.
They were like zombies ready to feast. I returned to get my shotgun, questioning why the shotgun had a bayonet, but my work was personal business. I looked at my partner, with his itchy trigger finger on his Desert Eagle. At my side, stood my right-hand man Kyle; there is nothing to worry about. As proof, he jumped on a dwarf, devastating it.
Le Guin came fast as lightning; Mugabe’s brain had split like a ripe watermelon.
Kyle was spinning himself around and shooting his gun; in his car trunk were a wide range of cold dwarf corpses. He was hovering in the air, and the minute he lowered his body, it brings with it a collection of dwarf fingers and sausages.
Japheth took a clue; a dwarf had broken through Kyle’s external defenses. He used his laser vision to ensure that he attacked the entire landscape, covering it with red juices and getting close enough to be a threat. After dozens of dwarves, jumping by leaps and bounds to end up as dwarf corpses, he was almost out of quick access to his ammunition. Fortunately, his bag is still full so he shouted to his partner: “Cover me for an instant, I have to reload”.
Kyle crashed into his legs, his hand trying to grasp the mechanism, as the stolen jacket he put on transformed his arm into a swing full of metal spikes. Avoiding Japheth, Kyle reached inside his bag, pulling out a 360 intestinal arc gun and began swinging it, ripping his arm and Al Gore. Launching it into the other dwarves, a dwarf found it caught in the air only to become hamburger meat; another suffered a stroke from being impaled from the hunting rifle bayonet. More sword wielding guns appeared; Zombie Shogun Fighters were advancing through the Eastern themed restaurants.
When he reloaded, Japheth took them by the second shot; he got himself another Desert Eagle, and an AK47. He also brought a bullet belt so that he would continue to rapid-fire, or a single shot every 5 minutes. With two guns in his hand, Japheth ducked into a package, still staying in the vicinity of the dwarves with Kyle, but they fire more from a distance than ever before. His new gun seems to do a better job than he had hoped; it was as if time slowed down, and he never missed a shot, each bullet hitting a dwarf. With new time to think, he reflected on the word “dwarf”, how each one became a dwarf, how ridiculous these guys adapted, how all the short, feisty things flew through the air with their funny rocket shoes.
Then, the dwarf leader, with his decorated top hat, looked at Kyle with hatred in his eyes, wielding a small stick. This dwarf is clearly the catalyst; the other dwarfs in the three-ring circus still need someone to direct them. Kyle stood on Japheth’s shoulders and pointed out things he thought they already knew: once a bitten zombie is not as strong or the world knows that, at the end of the day the result is a large body of blood they now bathe in. Kyle looks at the time, and sees a pygmy Meem using a rope to pull himself closer to their current position. He smiled and closed the planet’s surface with a double-rod pantomime.
Laughing at the pantomime, Japeth’s death is close, and he himself knows what needs to be done. Looking at his actions, it is clear that this chief is not the original zombie. He is at least the second, perhaps third power generation. Taking into account that, while it may stop the current tribe of zombies, it will not be simple: he does not have a state-owned rocket enterprise. Closer to his goal, Japheth fired three shots at his new threat: one straight and one to each side. The dwarves may be as impressed with these shots as they were with the first round of ammunition. Unfortunately, the bio-decision will be more annoying as any hope of excavation of their rocket shoes went away as soon as their shoes flew upwards, with no bullets holes.
At that critical moment, Kyle’s pet zombie panda Kinku jumped its gray hair and claws tearing the sky. Kyle forgot to lock its cage again, but the panda was not out of control and after shitting on all their trailers like normal, Kinku came to their rescue. Releasing from its body a loud sigh, it began to charge at a dwarf, its paws still desperately clawing the sky. Kinku sat down on the dwarf and made the dwarf ring leader its arm snack. Japheth shot the last dwarf in head, the deafening roar from Kinku still lingering from the outbreak.
Japheth began to remote start his decomposing jalopy, opening the headlights, planning to rape the female giant panda zombie Kinku because of his desire for sex. Looking at it, Japheth sees that it is part of the first power generation of zombies; the Earth had been covered with them. Although not a pygmy, this is clearly a midgetized giant panda; this does not happen naturally. Japheth began to shift into fully automatic mode. He launched into the dwarf animal and dynamited the whole head, exploding the entire parking lot, leaving a strange blue. This did not stop the zombie from continuing to charge, nor did it stop a big eye from forming on where the head once was.
Among the women Kyle has had sexual relations with, his female giant panda Kinku is among Japheth’s targets. His shoes squeaking as he traveled down the bloody road, he jumped Japheth. They all fell, colorful fun wigs, and Al Gore in their faces, next to the surrounding chaos as they rolled off the assembling line in what can be considered as a very gay moment. Then Kinku charged at them and began to rip with her ferocious female panda bites; Kyle’s response was to push into the beast’s asshole, cutting tentacles penetrating the large body of the bear with the bayonet. The bear erupted. Kyle grabbed something to wear and seeking to advertise, put on some women’s pants to send some of his new brand identity. Curiously, Kyle believed that unconsciously, he had a picture of a 76-year old lady in his heart.
Learning of what had just transpired; Japheth knew that some things would be a serious mistake, and his plot will soon be revealed. When they get paid to delete the city’s zombie dwarves, he is in fact, what had caused the disease. Kyle will soon come to know (especially since Japheth’s skin was beginning to turn more gray than normal); he passed the place where Kyle is now, and started his laser sight, pointing it directly into the Kai Doll’s eye, to ensure that he was blind, then pulled the trigger to launch 1 hollow point bullet directly into his partner’s head, killing him immediately.
A bullet tore through Kyle’s eyes to continue through the sidewalk; it broke through the back of his skull and small pieces of metal shrapnel littered the ground. Kyle fades away, wanting to see his wife and daughter. Heaven to him was not so bad; Jesus was a very bad ass dude, Kyle’s nasty beard allows him to get what he wants, but he was not fit to live with his family, until one day he runs into Angela Lansbury. They had 7 years of good times. One night she was lured to his apartment, and then she wrote: murder him.
A few years later, Japheth has been since the death of his new partner. He knows that he should not be believed, not his pantomime or his rusty wooden toothpick. Because of his evil, all have been infected with the Midget Zombie flu. God gave him some grace, so that when he accessed heaven, he quickly found Kyle’s phone number, met with him and said “Hey, right Sorry to kill you, but I found that your surgery and lessons learned dwarfed mine”.
Bingo, sent to the printer, I smell a Pulitzer Prize.